Devastation for Sturgeon as 'Angry Salmond' escapes the internet

By David Torrents, our Unending Streams of Pish Correspondent.

Angry-salmondFirst Minister Nicola Sturgeon has been left reeling by the revelation that 'Angry Salmond', a Twitter parody account of former First Minister Alex Salmond, has escaped the confines of Twitter and assumed control of the body of his real-world counterpart.

The exact details surrounding this cyber-breakout are unclear but prominent social media expert, saviour of Scotlandshire and leader of the Scottish Labour party, Jim Murphy MP, gave us today's view on the matter:

"Well, David, as you can see from this unforgivable breach of data security, the SNP are utterly ill-prepared for cyber attacks. They have left the people of Scotlandshire dangerously exposed as a result of their own vanity and their failure to understand social media.

"We in Scottish Labour happen to be experts in this field and our latest phenomenon, the hashtag #myfuturescotland campaign, was a roaring success that trended across the whole of our lovely United Kingdom.

"This idea, the first by John McTearwan in his new role as my Chief of Staff, really showed that even the Nationalists could get behind and support Scottish Labour's vision of a future Scotlandshire."

Experts in social media studies from the Largs Hadron Collider believe that the parody takeover of Alex Salmond was a result of the politician's tendency to browse Twitter without a proper firewall or adequate antispyware.

"Salmond's very old school", said Geek Sneerylad, a Collider researcher, "he still thinks spyware is a trilby, shades and a trenchcoat with the collar turned up."

Willie Rennie, part-time leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats and winner of 'Ecclefechan has Morris Dancers', who is currently writing the novel 'A Liberal Democrat's response to the Very Hungry Caterpillar', shared his thought with us:

"The fact that Alex Salmond left himself and his country open to such a terrible assault just goes to show how out of touch he is with the people of Scotlandshire.

"I only really use the internet for checking my dating profile on 'Lib-Dems 4 Luv' and watching Taylor Swift videos, but even I use a firewall.

"He's lucky that it's only his parody account that has escaped the confines of Twitter! What if it had been the Borg? The entirety of Scotlandshire would face doom and resistance would be futile!"

Twisted blogger, Winge Over Scotlandshire, had already commissioned a secret poll in a vain attempt to perpetuate the myth that Scotlandshire and England think differently when it comes to certain topics.

torrance-tvHis separatist dreams were crushed, however, as Scotlandshire's valiant jumper-enthusiast, David Torrance, interpreted the data correctly – for he is far smarter than any mere mortal – to reveal that a similar number of people in England and Scotlandshire thought that the Borg were in the top ten of all-time Star Trek baddies.

On the Angry Salmond breakout, Torrance commented:

"Naturally, I predicted this would happen. I wrote Angry Salmond's biography, you know, just from reading his twitter feed. I never even met him.

"The only reason that I don't have a parody account is that I'm far too intelligent, so nobody else could write well enough to imitate me in a credible manner.

"Actually, I'm like a smarter, hipster version of Einstein but with better hair and a really nice bike."

David Torrance's riveting new book '100 Days of Having To Put Up With So Many People Who Are Below My Superior Intelligence' is available to purchase from Amazon and can be found in the Kindling section.

At time of writing, it remains unclear what Angry Salmond's goals will be now that he has escaped the strictures of Twitter.

He was last sighted leading a twenty-mile long conga-line southbound on the M74, singing "I'm coming for you Clegg & Cameron. Are you ready for a #sexysocialism party?"

Reprinted with kind permission from the North British Post.


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