A Referendum tale for wee folk

By Luke Erza Skwirrel, Our Voters Are Daft Correspondent

chicken-lickenWe earlier announced that we would not be providing any footage of the Orange march in Edinburgh, for the obvious reason that those nutters will lose us votes.

Instead, we bring you a classic tale to terrify the weans.

This is entirely in accord with our editorial guidelines, which we interpret as we find most appropriate to save the Empire by reducing the entire population of Scotlandshire to terrified jelly.

Only people who hate any children they accidentally have, believe in splittism. No real parent will ever want their children to leave them. Keep your children at home with you always, so that they can work hard, give you all their money, and keep you in luxury.

Scare the little sods witless about crossing the threshold. Those are our real family values.

CHICKEN LICKEN

AS Chicken-licken was going one day to the wood, whack! an acorn fell from a tree on to his head.

"Gracious goodness me!" said Chicken-licken, "the banks must have fallen; I must go and tell the Queen."

So Chicken-licken turned back, and met Times-slimes. "Well, Times-slimes, where are you
going ?" said he. "I'm going to the wood," said she.

"Oh, Times-slimes, don't go!" said he, "for as I was going the banks fell on to my head, and I'm going to tell the Queen."

So Times-slimes turned back with Chicken-licken, and met Scotsman-flotsam.

"I'm going to the wood," said he.

Then Times-slimes said: "Oh Scotsman-flotsam, don't go, for I was going, and I met Chicken-licken, and Chicken-licken had been at the wood, and the banks had fallen on to his head, and we are going to tell the Queen."

So Scotsman-flotsam turned back, and they met Sky-lie. "

Well, Sky-lie, where are you going?"

And Sky-lie said: "I'm going to the wood."

Then Scotsman-flotsam said: "Oh! Sky-lie, don't go, for I was going, and I met Times-slimes, and Times-slimes met Chicken-licken, and Chicken-licken had been at the wood, and the banks had fallen on to his head, and we are going to tell the Queen." So Sky-lie turned back,and met Beeb-dreeb.

"Well, Beeb-dreeb, where are you going?"
And Beeb-dreeb said: "I'm going to the wood."

Then Sky-lie said: "Oh! Beeb-dreeb, don't go, for I was going, and I met Scotsman-flotsam, and Scotsman-flotsam met Times-slimes, and Times-slimes met Chicken-licken, and Chicken-licken had been at the wood, and the banks had fallen on to his head, and, we are going to tell the Queen."

So Beeb-dreeb turned back, and met Record-daily. "Well, Record-daily, where are you going?" And Record-daily said: "I'm going to the wood."

Then Beeb-dreeb said: "Oh, Record-daily, don't go, for I was going, and I met Sky-lie, and Sky-lie met Scotsman-flotsam, and Scotsman-flotsam met Times-slimes, and Times-slimes met Chicken-licken, and Chicken-licken had been at the wood, and the banks had fallen on to his head, and we are going to tell the Queen." So Record-daily turned back, and met Mail-trail.

"Well, Mail-trail, where are you going ?"

And Mail-trail said: "I'm going to the wood."

Then Record-daily said: "Oh! Mail-trail, don't go, for I was going, and I met
Beeb-dreeb, and Beeb-dreeb met Sky-lie, and Sky-lie met Scotsman-flotsam, and Scotsman-flotsam met Times-slimes, and Times-slimes met Chicken-licken, and Chicken-licken had been at the wood, and the banks had fallen on to his head, and we are going to tell the Queen."

So Mail-trail turned back, and met Mirror-scissor.

"Well, Mirror-scissor, where are you going?"
And Mirror-scissor said: "I'm going to the wood."

Then Mail-trail said: "Oh! Mirror-scissor, don't go, for I was going, and I met Record-daily, and Record-daily met Beeb-dreeb, and Beeb-dreeb met Sky-lie, and Sky-lie met Scotsman-flotsam, and Scotsman-flotsam met Times-slimes, and Times-slimes met Chicken-licken, and Chicken-licken had been at the wood, and the banks had fallen on to his head, and we are going to tell the Queen."

So Mirror-scissor turned back, and walked with Mail-trail, Record-daily, Beeb-dreeb, Sky-lie, Scotsman-flotsam, Times-slimes, and Chicken-licken. And as they were going along, they met The Prime Minister. And The Prime Minister said:

"Where are you going ?"

And they said: "Chicken-licken went to the wood, and the banks fell on to his head, and we are going to tell the Queen."

And The Prime Minister said: "Come along with me, and I will show you the way." But The Prime Minister took them into Downing Street, and he and Times-slimes, Scotsman-flotsam, Sky-lie, Beeb-dreeb, Record-daily, Mail-trail, and Mirror-scissor soon ate up poor Chicken-licken, who never saw the Queen to tell her that the banks had fallen.

And the moral of the story is that the big bad world will eat you up, so stay at home with Mummy, and don't take any risks.

.chick sandwich

Coming soon to a nursery or playgroup near you, via unbiased CBBCS

Little Red Riding Hood (gets eaten by the wolf)

The Three Bears (Rangers fans discuss going into administration - again)

Hansel & Gretel (are sexually abused in poverty stricken Scotlandshire with no police or social workers)

The Gingerbread Man (Scots try to eat their own children, One almost escapes)

The Old Woman and the Pig (when Mrs Thatcher visited Cameron)

Sleeping Beauty (Woman raped by marauding Jacobite while she slept)

and many, many more.


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