Referendum voting 'has been going on for months' - Absence of U-KOK activists finally explained

By John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

scots housewifeMy contacts in Britain's security services told me, some time ago, not to waste my time commenting on the last batch of polls before the referendum.

As my colleague Gaza Nile reported last month, MI5's "Underpass" program allows the outcome of any online opinion poll to be altered, so fixing the last couple of YouGuff polls to suggest that the referndum was becoming a close-run thing was easy.

More difficult to control was the TNS poll. TNS use the archaic polling method whereby interviewers knock on people's doors and ask them questions.

Since the likely voting intention of every Scot is known to GCHQ via their sophisticated software [1] which captures anything of interest to the government, it was an easy matter to hack into the TNS computers to identify the areas allocated to each interviewer,

"Operation Hijack" then swung into operation. Crack MI5 operatives broke into target houses of No voters, drugged the occupant, then posed as "typical Scots" who would say they were voting Yes. As a result, TNS produced the perfect result - a statistical dead-heat.

In a clever adjustment, today's Survation poll was altered to show a slight No lead.

vote countMeanwhile, in safe houses across London, teams of U-KOK activists (aka English Tories) were busy with an inexhaustible supply of black pencils and duplicate pre-numbered voting papers placing Xs in the No box, before they are transferred to the appropriate duplicate ballot box. Amusingly, Alecsammin and Nicsturgeon have already voted NO!

At 10:28 pm on 18th September, "Operation Switch" will take place, and the pre-prepared boxes will seamlessly replace those used during the day.

"Why", I hear some of the more naive amongst you say. "would anyone go to all that bother to fix the opinion polls, if (quite properly) the actual vote has been fixed?"

The answer, dear loyal readers, is the most obvious one - money. There are £millions to be made from knowing the result in advance, and influencing the betting odds.

Opinion polls are the most important vehicle, but the apparent "sudden" decision of the MiliCamClegg team to rush up to Scotlandshire today is also a long-planned tactic. The bookies will interpret this as panic and shorten the odds again. These three millionaires will become billionaires!

The cynics among you will wonder why I'm letting you have all this information free, gratis and for nothing. Well, I haven't told you everything! I know the exact margin by which No will win this referendum. You, my friends, can cash in on this knowledge, big time.

All you need to do is to send me at least £1,000, and I'll place it for you on the exact winning margin - the odds are phenomenal! Oh, and remember to give me all your bank account details, PIN number etc, so that I can send you your enormous winnings.

See how even the No 10 flagpole rejects the splittist flag!


[1] These include Airwolf (YouTube profile, comment and video collection tool) : Birdstrike (Twitter monitoring and profile collection) : Glassback (The technique of getting a target's ISP address by pretending to be a spammer and pinging them; the target does not need to answer) : Miniature Hero (Active Skype capability; a provision of real-time call records as well as bidirectional instant messaging and contact lists) : Photon Torpedo (Technique to actively grab the ISP address of an MSN messenger user) : Spring-Bishop (Finding private photos of targets on Facebook)

They really do know about that embarassing text message you sent!


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