By I Ken Damol, our American Correspondent

The New York Times reports that in a conference call with fund-raisers and donors to his campaign, Mitt Romney said that he was basing excuses for his humiliating defeat on the model developed by Scottish Labour.

Romney said President Obama prevailed in the election because of "gifts" to specific groups – "especially," Mr. Romney said, "the African-American community, the Hispanic community and young people." In other words, policies that help the less well-off.

He continued, "I urge all of you to use the line taken by British Labour Lord Foulkes about the SNP – 'The SNP are on a very dangerous tack. What they are doing is trying to build up a situation in Scotland where the services are manifestly better than south of the border in a number of areas [and] they are doing it deliberately.'

"If we are to be successful in transferring wealth from the poor to the super wealthy, as British Labour have done, then we need to follow their campaign strategy of ridiculing the provision of benefits to the people.

Expanding on his theory, Mr. Romney explained that, "With regards to the young people, for instance, a forgiveness of college loan interest was a big gift...Free contraceptives were very big with young, college-aged women."

In response, Randy Lewinski, national President of sorority Alpha Delta Pi, said, "I'm afraid Romney has this wrong. We require big contraceptives, because everything in America is bigger. I'm surprised that the Governor should suggest that European sized condoms would be appropriate for the studs that attend our universities on sport scholarships.

"Bill Clinton knew that well. You should have seen the size of his cigar!"

Meanwhile, President Clinton was speaking at the Royal Institution of Great Britain in London, about how the USA had been completely wrong to break away from the UK.

He suggested the focus on identity politics in countries around the world was hampering efforts to forge more effective common bonds. "If only we had stayed part of the British Empire, then we would have been able to share the common vision created in London for the greater good of all mankind.

"Similarly, the break up of the Habsburg Empire, and the Soviet Union were great errors. Vienna and Moscow are much better places to create unity among peoples, than Prague or Riga."

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Vengeful England Nearly Grabbing Empire Responsibilities, incoherently responded, "So the f**king Yanks want tae come crawlin back? Fandabbiedozie! They'll get a richt doin first, though – especially that Randy Lewinski."

Wee Willie Rennie, apologist for the now defunct SLD party, said "If the SNP are offering free big condoms, that would be an attack on the penile challenged in our society. But hey, whit can you do, eh?"

Labour in Scotland leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was giving advice on the big red phone in her secret George Square bunker.

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