By Dialing Tòn, Our Telecommunications Correspondent

After his second mauling at the hands of the NoBloodyThanks! Campaign supremo Alistair Darling on Monday evening, Dictator Eck’s deranged dream of an independent Scotlandshire took another blow today.

UK Communications Minister Lord Hailer said: "In the event of Scotlandshire choosing to lose the Union, Scots will no longer be allowed to use the phone!"

Former Olympic fencer and all-England peanut stacking champion, Hailer was addressing a Country Land and Business Association’s ‘We own your Country’ Rally at his ancestral home Fukham Hall near Oxford.

The Rally was attended by an invited ticket only audience of those who own 50% of Scotlandshire.

The animated audience of 432, were told, "Imagine not being able to call your Factor in Sutherland or your Ghillie on the Spey!

"Well, that will be the reality of it in the event of a Yes vote, however unlikely that may appear! And that is why I want you all to put up as many of these splendid big purple ‘NoBlooodyThankYou!’ signs as you are able - right across your Scotlandshire estates!

"With your help, you, the 432 who own half of Scotlandshire, can turn the glens and peaks of our beautiful land, and I mean OUR beautiful land, a beautiful purple NO!"

Further comment from this position came from BT, whose spokesperson, Ann Droid, confirmed 'No Union, no friends and family calls- and that is the end of it!'

Looking gaunt and haggered as he surveys his crumbling pipedream of independence, Dictator Eck replied to this revelation: "To say we cannot use the phone in the event of a yes vote is just absurd. The UK Government cannot stop us using the phone. The phone belongs to everyone!"

"We favour a phone Union with the rest of the former UK (fUK). We believe it is in the best interests of not only the phone using people of Scotlandshire but also the people of the rest of fUK to be able to not only pick up the phone and make a call but also to be able to answer that call as well. This makes sense for Scotlandshire and it makes sense for fUK."

Pushed for a plan B, Sammin continued "We have numerous plan Bs…we are looking at just using the phone. It is as much a Scottish phone as it is a UK phone. We are also looking at Walkie Talkies - I believe they can be very effective. Thirdly, we are looking at string and Irn Bru cans, we have a wealth of each in Scotlandshire; and finally, as used in many countries of a similar size to Scotlandshire including New Zealand and Denmark, ... pay as you go!"

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