L-Team tour to Scotlandshire : The diary of a NO body

By Weerd Plaices, Our Travel and Tourism Correspondent

l teamFollowing our article on the L-Team's exciting offers of not only FREE, but PAID, tours to Scotlandshire, we are delighted to bring you an actual account, by an actual tour member, of an actual trip to Scotlandshire.

Shudder at some of the horrors endured. Thrill at the strange cultural differences experienced. Be in awe of the heroism of the L-Team's guides. Vow to leap at the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit an alien nation that is part of the UK (for it won't be for much longer).

Be enthralled by the experiences of Fladgett Entwhistle as he encounters the strange and wonderful universe that only the L-team experience.

Wonder at the strangeness of their understanding of such an alien environment. Sell your soul to hire the L-Team (if you can find them) to take you on a journey of such mind-boggling insanity, that only Murdoch and his media empire would consider to be reality.

Diary of a NO body - Fladgett Entwhistle, aged 273/4

Monday : 7pm - All packed and ready to go! Exciting day tomorrow. My first ever foreign trip. I haven't told Mummy that it's Durham Labour that are organising the tour - she doesn't like Labour. I haven't told her that Jenny booked me onto the trip - she doesn't like Jenny. I haven't told her Jenny votes Labour either (see above). Jenny is AWESOME! Not only has she been to Scotlandshire before, in 2011 when the few Labour people up there put in a desperate appeal for workers to put out leaflets and things, but she's even been to Wales!

Monday : 11pm - Jenny phoned to remind me to take extra clothes (it'll be cold) and waterproofs (it'll rain) and some snacks (I may not like the food). Jenny is AWESOME!

Tuesday : 8am - We're off! The driver tells us that we'll cross the border in less than 2 hours. Funny that, I thought it would take much longer. I'm a bit worried about the border crossing because I forgot my passport! Jenny tells me not to be silly. It turns out that she's also been out of the UK, across the sea to Jersey, and no one ever has to show their passport to cross between the UK and its neighbours. Jenny is AWESOME!

Tuesday : 9:47am - I can see the border ahead! I'm a bit worried that none of the L-Team seem to be aboard the coach, though. Won't we need to be protected after we cross it? Jenny tells me not to be silly (she's sounding a little tetchy with me - must be careful). She says the L-Team always travel in disguise and that the dishevelled old woman sitting across from us could be Johann La-Mont herself. I've never heard of La-Mont, but nod wisely, to be on the safe side.

Tuesday : 10:30am - No sign of trouble yet! In fact, it's exactly the same driving up the M74 as it was driving up the M6. We didn't even need to move over to driving on the right. I was a bit worried about that, but thought it best not to say anything to Jenny.

Tuesday : 11:00 am - We're here! As we entered the town, I saw the sign saying it was called Motherwell. Felt guilty about hiding the truth from Mummy, so phoned to check that she was OK.

Tuesday : 11:01am - The dishevelled old woman sitting across from us, just peed herself! Jenny says that means she probably is Johann La-Mont.

Tuesday : 11:02am - Yay! Our L-Team guide boards the bus. He explains that his name is Jim Murphy(?) and that he used to be a member of the UK Government. Jenny sees my puzzled look, and explains that he wasn't REALLY a UK Minister, just a propagandist for Whitehall in Scotlandshire with a fancy title and a load of taxpayer dosh.

Tuesday : 11:04am - We are to see a genuine pice of Scotch street theatre! Jim is going to stand on a soap box and tell old women to "Fuck off", while we form a guard arouind him to stop their Natz relatives tearing him limb from rangy limb. I may have got this wrong, but wasn't he supposed to protect us, rather than the other way around?

Tuesday : 12:03pm - True to his word, Jim does his thing, and an angry mob gathers round to shout at him and call him a Tory (which I thought was quite a nice compliment!). Jenny gets talking to one of them, and soon takes him by the arm and leads him off round the corner, doubtless to persuade him of the righteousness of the Unionist cause. I do so admire Jenny's AWSOMENESS!

Tuesday : 2:07 pm - Jenny returns (with a strange, dreamy expression on her face that I've never seen before). She explains that the "angry mob" aren't Nationalists at all, but Socialists. She'd heard of such peope before, and admired them from afar, but hadn't met one "in the flesh" in England. Indeed, she enthused, the fleshy bit was really, really interesting, and she was going back to his flat with 'Bob' to get into that aspect with even greater vigour. She might see me later.

Tuesday : 4:47pm Jim guides us back to the bus for the trip home, slipping us each £25 in a quaint Scotch custom called "bribery". Apparently it would be a breach of Scotch hospitality to mention this to the Inland Revenue, and I promise not to mention it.

Tuesday : 5pm - The bus is leaving - and no Jenny! She must have found the political intercourse with 'Bob' really exciting and has stayed to continue it. She'll make her own way back, I suppose. Anyway, I have her £25 as well as my own, so this trip has been doubly worthwhile.

lab stay.


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