By Gilda Clinkpocket, Our Financial Probity Correspondent

YESNP campaigners have cast fresh doubt on the reasons behind London’s blanket refusal to entertain discussions on a currency union in the entirely implausible event of a yes vote for secession from the Empire.

Crawlforth Beverage, a Holyrood Finance team member and a winner of the Nobel prize for Literature, told BBC Scotlandshire in confidence: "John Swinney told me that when he was down there last week having the talks (that Her Majesty’s just and ordained Sovereign Government say didn’t happen) that he had a good old keek around and, well, there simply wasn’t any money there…that is why they would only talk about ‘technical’ arrangements."

Mr Beverage continued: "He even had a wee sneaky keek inside the very petty cash drawer - no pounds, no dollars, not even a magic jelly bean.

"Talk about the lender of last resort - they aren’t kidding! I am told they use wonga in the gaps between payments arriving from Edinburgh!"

BBC Scotlandshire first raised doubts about the UK’s financial resilience last week.

Speculation that the Bank of England/UK (they’re the same thing really) may not actually have any cash was fuelled further by comments made by victorious NoBloodyThankYouVeryMuch! campaign supremo Alistair Darling.

Speaking on Radio Scotlandshire’s "Wake up ye lazy bast’rds!" Breakfast Show, Mr Darling stated the Bank of England/UK (honestly, they’re the same thing) doesn’t actually have very much money - and that was before London 2012!

Speaking in defence of his bank on a visit to St George’s English whisky distillery at Roudham in Norfolk today, the Big Big Bank of England director Mark Cannae commented: "It’sh all true - we haven’t got a god damn penny - and I know, I’ve looked everywhere - every room, every filing cabinet and there is nuthin…nuthin I tell ya!

"And you’re from BBC Shcotlandshire yesh?…well bub, without the Shcotlandshire oil, the UK is fracked…

"... and as for the whishky - have you sheen this stuff????... it’s like sheep’s pi…"

Mr Cannae was at this point lead away by his minders. As he was escorted to his car he was heard to weep: "I mish proper maple syrup…and my Mom…where’s blanky…I want blanky!"

In a further revelation, documents obtained from the States show that President Nobama’s Government may also have been propping up David Cameron’s fine and legitimate regime, "Scottish" financial institutions and corporation.

An audit of the US Federal Reserve revealed institutions that had received money from the Fed. The full list can be found on page 131 of the GAO Audit and are as follows:

• Citigroup: $2.5 trillion ($2,500,000,000,000)
• Morgan Stanley: $2.04 trillion ($2,040,000,000,000)
• Merrill Lynch: $1.949 trillion ($1,949,000,000,000)
• Bank of America: $1.344 trillion ($1,344,000,000,000)
• Barclays PLC (United Kingdom): $868 billion ($868,000,000,000)
• Bear Sterns: $853 billion ($853,000,000,000)
• Goldman Sachs: $814 billion ($814,000,000,000)
• Royal Bank of Scotland (UK): $541 billion ($541,000,000,000)
• JP Morgan Chase: $391 billion ($391,000,000,000)
• Deutsche Bank (Germany): $354 billion ($354,000,000,000)
• UBS (Switzerland): $287 billion ($287,000,000,000)
• Credit Suisse (Switzerland): $262 billion ($262,000,000,000)
• Lehman Brothers: $183 billion ($183,000,000,000)
• Bank of Scotland (United Kingdom): $181 billion ($181,000,000,000)
• BNP Paribas (France): $175 billion ($175,000,000,000)

and many many more including banks in Belgium of all places.

BBC Scotlandshire has learned The Treasury is currently looking into ways to temporarily make Barclays a Scottish bank to comply with Goodwin's Law.

A Cockney spokesbanker for The Treasury explained how Goodwin's Law works: "The Federal Reserve don't seem to realise that the banking sector in the UK is always referred to as Scottish banks when they fail - we're even working on a way to do that with Barclays when the next financial bubble bursts plunging our rich friends in The City into poverty. The caring UK Government will ensure the humble tax payer is there with a bailout to keep the wolves away from the mansion driveways of those who're down on their luck."

He went onto caution about the American bailout money information being made public: "You cannot tell anyone about these bailouts. The UK economy would have been f**ked if it hadn't been for the Yanks."

Dirk Greenback, Federal Reserve spokesperson for old world aid said last night: "EnglandUK? Oh yeh sure, they’re like Iraq but without the sand for us. Somewhere to park the weapons and pick up the oil."

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