By Didgeri Doo, Our Land of Oz and Convicts Correspondent

There was fury in Australia, as news broke that Abbott's intervention in the debate on Scotlandshire's future had been totally misrepresented, and he had misconstrued the instructions he had received from the Australian Queen's UK Government.

Summoned by his master, the London Commonwealth (and other foreigners) Secretary Philip Hammond for a "barbie and a few tinnies", Abbott was briefed on what to say.

Miss Matilda Woltsing, Chairprincess of "Keep Australia Royal (and White)" said: "Although I didn't vote for Mr Abbott, he is just stating the obvious. People who live on the other side of the world are upside down and in serious danger of falling off. If they don't keep together, then they'll just plunge downwards. Only in Australia are we the right way up."

Lance Boyle, Chief Political Reporter of the Katherine Times said: "Look, the only trouble with Abott is the first three letters of his name. We have the same problem with the drunken Abos here that England has with the drunken Scots. Christ! Can you imagine giving the Abos the right to make decisions for themselves!

"Just give the Scots their booze in plastic bottles, and let them drink themselves to death like we do. Problem solved."

Rear-Admiral Wally Crock, RAN, said that Mr Abbott's intervention was essential: "England has said it won't build the Type 25 frigates in a foreign yard but they don't have any yards of their own. If we give up this silly idea of being independent, to become part of England again, then we'll get the contract to build the frigates in our yards. Brilliant!"

The Bishop of Wangaratta, Rev. Stuart Bloody Campbell preached: "Bloody hell, mate! What a bloody question! Bloody Abbot's a bloody Liberal leader. There's not a bloody country where you can bloody well believe a bloody word they bloody say."

In letters to the Sydney Herald, however, there was considerable confusion as to which Abbott had actually made the comments. One correspondent noted: "The story was reported in London, so it's highly unlikely that they would take any notice of an Australian. We're just not important enough for them to take any notice of us."

That classic case of "cultural cringe" ^[1] was immediately taken up by others.

"JW of Kweemagh" immediately identified the likely person to be an English comedian called Russ Abbott, who was also fond of taking the piss out of the Jocks.

It was also suggested that two London born politicians had simply been confused by the Press. "After all", said one, "in England they always address each other by their surnames only, so confusion is inevitable".

It is now a widely held belief that the remarks attributed to Tony Abbott were, in fact uttered by Diane Abbott on one of Andrew Neil's many, many impartial political programmes.

However, the more plausible answer was that they were the words of Hugh Abbott. This self-description of his output perfectly matches the tenor of the reported remarks. "Occasionaly, I take a dump!"

We are unsure how much credence to give to the following official announcement from the Australian High Commissioner. There are allegations that Australia House is trying to mount a coup against the government in Canberra, on the basis that they are already at the centre of the universe.

^[1] The Scots like to think of "cringe" as being uniquely theirs. But in this, as with most other things, they are just copy cats - without an original thought in their wee heads. Australian cringe was first identified in 1894 and was a fully fledged academic theory by 1950. "Australia was being made to rhyme with failure."

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