By Lady Sue Nammy of Plenitude, our Scotlandshire Economy Correspondent.

Separation would bring a new 'wave of lost territory' for Labour in Scotlandshire, Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont has warned in a slightly incoherent briefing at the opening of a new distillery on Harris.

Ms Lamont is expected to argue in favour of the Union by setting out her attacks on Alicsammin in a speech to be delivered in decontamination room three, on level six of her George Square bunker complex in Glasgow this week.

She will debate the horrors of independence before an invited audience of Labour councillors, where she will represent both sides of the argument.

First she will state that the SNP are Tartan Tories whose only tax plans are the lowering of corporate taxes and APD.

Then she will swap lecterns to argue that Alicsammin's policy of Separation will lead to higher taxes than Norway.

Finally she will answer a series of tough questions, helpfully written out on little slips of paper by Paul Sink-Lair and left on the seats before the debate began.

She will say: "When I look at the realities of the proposal the Scottish Nationalists are putting before the people of Scotlandshire I am reminded of the words of Neil Kinnock from 30 years ago but which hit the mark today.

"I warn you not to be an ordinary mum. I warn you not to be young. I warn you not to fall ill. I warn you not to get old.

"If you are young, you will be denied the safety net of benefits and charged upwards of £9,000 a year to attend university, forcing you into prostitution...

"if you fall ill you will find the NHS has been privatised and will charge you for its services or throw you out if you have missed an insurance payment...

"and if you get old your house will be sold from under you to pay for your personal care, your spare room will be taxed, and even your bus pass will be taken away from you!

"The independent experts, who work with me here in my bunker, tell us we face spending cuts or tax rises to maintain what we have now.

"That means cuts to our NHS, our schools, our pensions and our social security. And as that new wave hits, Alicsammin offers no hope for ordinary mums, just tax cuts for the bankers and the rich."

I spoke to Ms Lamont earlier today and put it to her that she was actually describing the policies of the Labour party and its Better Together partners.

"Not at all", she said, "that is just a false prospectus. A Yes vote will lead to decades of crippling austerity as the poor are punished and robbed to further enrich London bankers and their City friends. Only a No vote can save us from this neoliberal metropolitan government where both benches are populated by old Etonian millionaires. We need an honest debate on this.

"Even the 2015 General Election will be fought by parties with essentially identical manifestos which differ only cosmetically. It's simply a false choice and I don't accept it. This can be avoided with a No vote. Vote Naw and stop this Union from being abolished by the Nationalists."

When I suggested that she was perhaps projecting everything that was wrong her own party on to the SNP, she replied as follows:

"Certainly not! I think I can speak for the people of Scotlandshire when I say that the SNP are a bunch of narrow nationalists who are still bitter about their last few electoral defeats and who consistently put personal and party advantage ahead of the needs of their constituents.

"The SNP detest foreigners and everything foreign, and their main driving force is a deep and all-encompassing hatred of the SNP. They would rather live a hundred years under a Tory/Ukip government than contemplate for a second an independent Scotlandshire – even if they got to run it now and then."

I asked Ms Lamont if there was not even a single aspect of Separation which might be beneficial to the people of Scotlandshire.

I gently suggested that the poor and vulnerable might be better protected when not subject to attack by right-wing Westminster governments. She answered, "That is a false choice and I do not accept it.

"We know that a separate Scotlandshire would not be allowed into a currency union with Greater England, and we also know that this would hurt the poorest of both countries hardest. We know this because Ed Miliband came up here personally to tell us this would be the case.

"And we can be sure that Ed was telling the truth because he promised to include in the next Labour manifesto that he will oppose monetary union, thereby guaranteeing (as he points out) that the poorest and most vulnerable will be hit hardest. That's the kind of clarity you can expect from the modern Labour party.

"And in this pledge he has the full support of his colleagues: Ed (Grommit) Balls, Danny (the fanny) Alexander and George (I've been a bad, bad boy) Osborne. So, don't tell me we in Better Together never articulate a positive case for the Union."

Sadly, on this occasion, Johann Lamont WAS available for comment.

Here is the Q&A which followed Johann's speech in full.

The recordist has helpfully prevented many of the words being heard. This is eminently helpful to the cause of the Union as Lamont's responses were too wee, too poor and too stupid to be heard by a wider, unvetted audience outwith the bunker. - ED

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