By John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

I must apologise to readers for my lengthy absence from your sight and this site. I have been closeted with Alastair Darling and his team of little helpers, preparing for tonight's STV debate.

The spoof pollster for the spoof channel has been quoted as saying that Darling's best tactic is to "bore for Britain". This was an early plan, when Darling's principal adviser was James Kelly MSP. However, since even Darling could not hope to plumb Kelly's dizzying depths of narcolepsy induction, that tactic was abandoned quite early.

Fortunately, I was brought in to bring a professional (ie highly-paid) direction to the planning.

Readers will remember how Anas Sarwar, Scotlandshire's Leader-in-waiting (and waiting, and waiting) trounced separatist heroine, Nicola Sturgeon, in a TV debate by flourishing a piece of paper, that he had created earlier, and shouting very, VERY loudly.

Many attack lines have been trialled by a number of sacrificial lambs. Gordon Brown agreed to trial a Goebellian lie - that those in need of a transplant would be left to die, in the event of a Yes vote. We did have high hopes of that approach, until the traitors at NHS Blood and Transplant, flatly denied that to be the case.

Jim Murphy sallied onto the douce streets of Ayr to see if shouting down members of the public would work. It didn't. We did consider whether he should repeat his repeated shouting off "Fu*k off" to Angus MacNeil as a strategy, but Jim declined, saying that he had already ensured that all such references in Google searches "have been removed under data protection law in Europe", and he "couldn't be fu*king arsed doing all that again".

Fortunately, you, our loyal BBC Scotlandshire followers, came to the rescue.

We are a mirror to the No campaign. [Ed. I've deleted that bit. If we were a mirror to the No campaign, we would be part of the Yes campaign! Try again.]

We ARE the No campaign. [Ed. That's better!]

You told us that our coverage was almost perfect, but needed more nudity, and more attacks on Alecsammin. Mr Darling has taken your views on board, and has a surprise package in store for the Dictator.

After constant taunting about the Cybernats, Alecsammin is bound to refer to BritNatAbuse. At that point, Darling will reveal his secret weapon.

Regrettably, there have been some leaks in the No campaign, but these are quite normal when facing Alecsammin, and our hero has an ample supply of Tena products.

Splittist lawyer, the infamous "PeatWorrier" has wind of something, and tweeted on Sunday - "Well-placed sources in the No campaign suggest that Darling intends to bring a brick on stage with him as he debates Salmond on Tuesday."

What no one knows is what is contained in that brick. When Sammin complains about being called a "fat c*nt" by the BritNats, Darling will crack open the brick with his bare eyebrows, revealing an explicit photograph taken by Rupert Murdoch himself.

"But this proves your diet was a farce, and YOU ARE A FAT C*NT", he'll shout. Further taunts of: "Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? You fat bas**rd! You fat bas**rd! You ate all the pies!", will conclude with the photo reveal to the audience.

Place your mouse on the image below for a sneak preview of the photograph.

GAME OVER!

You can vote for the winner of the debate in our new poll. It's just for form's sake, of course. All of you will confirm that Darling was our darling.

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