By Paedro File, our Greetin Weans Correspondent
(Routinely monitored by Chief Inspector Tommy Watson of Scotlandshire Yard)

[Editor note: What were you thinking Paedro? This load of absolute crap has nothing to do with the story I asked you to write. Look at how a proper journalist does a job of work: www.newsnetscotland.com ]

Once upon a time…

There was a beautiful Princess of Scotlandshire, a wee lassie so very full of the joys of life and much loved by all who knew her.

Princess Siobhan laboured long and hard at her duties and studies and brought happiness and delight to everyone in the royal court. She was affectionately known as “Little Princess Sunshine” throughout the whole of her youth.

Her father King Michael the McMahon had always shielded her from the ever present evil in the Kingdom but it was becoming a near impossible task as the nasty separatist monsters were breeding and growing in greater and greater numbers.

With every passing day, more and more of the peasants of Scotlandshire were drawn by the hypnotic siren call of the Eckerjocky and his legion of separatist minions, all of whom carried a most vile disease spread through word of mouth. The infected peasants were known as “the plebs” and were avoided at all costs by those clear of the separatist plague. 

By the time the young Princess Siobhan had grown up into a beautiful young woman the monsters were in the ascendency and roaming Scotlandshire without challenge. Drawn by her sense of entitlement and duty she asked the King for permission to train as a Knight of the Red Rosette.

Reluctantly the King agreed. 

He knew there were many dangers lurking in this once auld order of goodness.  The New Order of the Red Rosette, a grouping of repulsive creatures whose names were mentioned only in the most quiet of whispers, had once had great power but the rise of the Eckerjocky had done them great harm. Many called them “The Red Demons”.

Rumours abounded of the black arts being routinely practised in secret underground layers: black witchcraft; screeching in evil tongues; powerful spells that could destroy nations and the routine draining of life force from young peasants. The later practice had been going on for generations in Glesgatoon, resulting in a lemming like compliance by the local peasants to the Red Demons’ demands.
 
Princess Siobhan enthusiastically jumped into her first training exercise of observing the Eckerjocky in his natural environment – Bute Hoose and the halls and chambers of Holyrude - where he was master of all he surveyed. She worked hard and learned much. Her research took years to complete before she could finally progress onto the next degree in the New Order of the Red Rosette.

Unfortunately, the Princess then found herself under the tutorage of the court jester, an idiot boy who had managed to bluff his way into royal court circles. Duke Jimbo Murrfaye of Auld Eastwoodshire both challenged and frustrated our young heroine, but his natural ability for talking fluent Unionist gibberish always made her smile.

Although he was not a natural academic, he was a gifted gibberish teacher and the Princess Siobhan quickly became highly proficient in its use. Through much dedicated hard work the young Princess was soon ready for her own seat of power.

The King surveyed all his territory to find a safe region to perform “The Ceremony of Pinning the Red Rosette onto the Donkey” – a final rite of passage for the young Princess. The ceremony took place without a hitch for her seat of power consisted mainly of peasants with only a minority of infected plebs to worry about. King Michael had indeed chosen wisely for his beloved daughter.

Around this time a great darkness descended on Scotlandshire – a Clegg swarm laid waste to much of the countryside and the people, Zombie attacks were reported and the Eckerjocky threat turned into an uncontrollable menace. Desperate times called for desperate measures and our young Princess was not found wanting for she started to seek out new ways to defeat the greatest ever threat to exists against Scotlandshire.

However, little did our heroine know that The Lamentable One, the leader of the Red Demons, had for a long time admired the life force of the Princess Siobhan. Her careful progression through the Order had been a series of grooming steps taking her ever closer to pure darkness and profound soullessness!

The Lamentable One had all along planned this to serve the grand secret purpose of the New Order: the destruction of everything good, great and wholesome while turning the Princess into an aggressive purveyor of abruptness. The Red Demons revelled in the evolving apocalypse as it was perpetrated on the peasants and plebs.

Spurred on by the closeness of victory for the Eckerjocky our young heroine started to take instruction from the most evil of the Red Demons. Day by day the Lamentable One sucked more and more of the goodness from the soul of the Princess, her very being was being siphoned and transformed into vile hate-filled evil. Poor Princess Siobhan was unaware of the vacuous metamorphosis that was taking place.

One day an Unmaiden of the Red Lamp was invited to HolyRude to talk in hushed tones about the services of the great bed chamber. The Lamentable One had instructed the Princess on how shouts of terror would bring about tears which drain the victim of all free will - a behaviour known as the “Shrieks of Curran”.

Ever the good student our young heroine lobotomised the Unmaiden but in doing so, she managed to burn out the last remnant of goodness left in her own darkened soul.

Now with every last drop of goodness gone, it was time for Princess Siobhan to be discarded! The Lamentable One put the Princess in a sack and flung her in the direction of the Eckerjocky and his minions, all the while knowing the separatist monsters would feast on her tender young flesh.  The King was powerless to help this poor creature who had once been his beautiful wee Princess.

The Lamentable One was last seen skulking silently around the dark corners of Holyrude awaiting the next Princess whose goodness of heart and pureness of soul was ripe for nourishing her lustful cravings for darkness and despair. She could feel the End Time getting very close… just one more victim Princess or maybe even a Deputy Prince would suffice!

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