UKIP MEP may have nationalist love child

By Mary Hill Ovareton, Our Office Bike reporter

David Co**burn dressing quicklyThe only Scottish UKIP MEP is under mounting pressure to resign following the accusation that he may have fathered a secret love child in the 70's. Normally such an announcement would see the politician elevated into a position of power or be given a Lordship, but this barsteward seed of Satan has grown into the lowly embarassing position of a Royal Mail postie who is actively peddling splittist propaganda aimed squarely at tearing apart our wonderful Empire.

David Co**burn MEP was chosen by the Scottish people in an act of defiance that prevented any of the separatist parties, especially Salmond’s Natz, from gaining the moral high ground in the European Union separation referendum argument. His election proved beyond any doubt that the people of North North Britain hate foreigners just as much as the rest of the UK and would themselves abhor becoming foreigners within an independent Scotlandshire.

However the electorate may have been less favourable to a possible philanderer being in office if they knew his alleged son was the “Indy Cyclist” Mark Coburn.

Mr Coburn Jnr rose to fifteen minutes of fame when he managed to raise the miniscule sum of £13,600 for local splittist groups by peddling his message all the way from Rome to Glasgow. It is believed the funds were dispersed to aid the local propagation of highly negative scaremongering messages of hopeless and destructive separation from the motherland.

Coburn Jnr begs for food at Maryhill FoodbankNot content with one fund raising effort, Coburn Jnr has launched yet another desperate call for funds to supply YES extremist groups with their own local operating bases. In an amusing twist, surplus funds will be misguidedly donated to the Maryhill Foodbank as a token gesture to keep the benefit scrounging burdensome alive for an extra few days.

In reply to BBC Scotlandshire's email interogation, Mr Coburn Jnr responded: "For those who are already involved in the campaign I really don't need to explain how much of an impact a campaign base can have. They already know.

"For those who don't, having a campaign base means that there is a central hub from which activists can operate especially in the last 6 weeks of the campaign. Bases/Shops can be used as: a meeting point for activists; an organisational base for planned canvass sessions; a focal point for the general public to drop in to ask questions and even (if large enough) somewhere to hold public events.

"The Maryhill Foodbank was a late addition to this cause as I am disgusted by the fact that foodbanks actually exist."

Coburn Jnr's terror bikeCoburn Jnr indicates he will cycle a distance of 500 miles in 5 days, but BBC Scotlandshire has received information (thanks Rob Shorthouse) that he merely cycles from one train station to the next, where he jumps on the train for a few stops.

According to BBC Scotlandshire’s MI5 security guard, a Cybernat resembling Coburn Jnr cycled towards the reception, got off his bike, then marched through the front door whereupon he intimated his demands, causing considerable fear and alarm.

Allegedly, he menaced: “I’m from the Scottish National Liberation Army – Special Cycle Service.

“Run my fund raiser story or I’ll return with my bicycle-pump to blown up the tyres on your outside broadcast vehicles.

“Trust me, your baws won’t appreciate the overinflated rubber.”

A DWP insider has leaked a memo to BBC Scotlandshire that shows Ian Duncan Smith, the Secretary of State for Death and Worthless Pensions, ordering the deployment of stingers on Scotlandshire’s roads. In the memo, Mr Duncan Smith states: "It would be a real 'shame' if Coburn was to have a Willie MacRae moment."

A spokeskipper refuted there was any substance to the allegations of Mr Co**burn Snr having fathered an extremist splittist barsteward love child. He said: “David is the only gay, Kensington based, UKIP MEP elected in the village Scotlandshire.

“He doesn’t even like the Scotch unless they’re a proud Brit.

“And a splittist Europhile postie who complains about being in the private sector!

“Yeah right! The facts speak for themselves.”

"Now if you don't mind, I've got to book Mr Co**burn on a return flight to Bongo Bongo Land."

Tasmina before neck opOne of the Natz candidates destroyed in the election by Co**burn Snr, who is a Yes Scotlandshire board member, made herself available for comment.

Tasmina Ahmed Sheikh said: “UKIP you say? I don’t think I’ve been a member of that party… Well not yet anyway!”

Blair Jenkins, the font of all splittist bile and lies, was overheard to say: “Is that Coburn bike fellow scrounging for money? Didn't think he'd bother us again after we blocked his phone number, email address and social media accounts.”

He then hollered: "KILPATRICK! CYBERNAT GENIUS? MY ARSE!"

The line then went as silent as a comment from Johann Lamont.


Special Warning from the Director General

Even the official separatist campaign doesn’t want to fund this bampot.

Do not visit his donation page: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/500-miles-in-5-days

Definitely do not send him your hard earned JSA or PIP payments.

Do not fall for this scam that is designed to end our beautiful United Kingdom.


Related Articles

IndieGogo [Banned]: 500 Miles in 5 days!

Facebook [Natz Propaganda]: RomeToHome

Daily Retard: Terror probe launched after man makes sinister firebomb threat to Better Together campaign

Evening Times: Food bank is expanding as hunger bites

Whinge Over Scotlandshire [Extreme Natz Propaganda]: A soul controlled by geography


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