By Sylv D Strukt, our Divisive Squabbling Correspondent

No Thanks campaigners say they are delighted by a new poll which shows them 3 points higher than last month, reversing the recent momentum of the Separatist Yes Scotlandshire movement.

The poll was conducted by Unionists Guessing Union Fan's Fevour (UGUFF) and commissioned by the independent think tank, the University of the Thames in Reading -Britons Opposed to Letting Loose an Independent Kingdom of Scotlandshire (UTR-BOLLIKS). It shows that the Project Fear lead in the opinion polls has risen from 2 to 5 percentage points in recent weeks.

"This latest poll shows that the separatist truck has gone into reverse", says Scottish Psephologist of the Century, Prof John Curtains. "This is devastating news for the splittists and from the timing it is clear that the drop in the polls is a result of the recent infighting between separationist student groups. I predict an absolutely massive win for No – in a purely unbiased and academic manner, of course."

Rob Shortarse, UKOK's Scaremonger to the Stars, was more forthcoming. "When we started all the 'nasty cybernat' stuff a couple of years ago it was only supposed to scare people away from the internet so they would get all their news and opinions from sources we control.

"But when we began attacking individual Seps and their awful blogs, some of the more impressionable ones began to turn on each other. We couldn't believe our luck. And the more buttons we pressed the more they reacted.

"Having a problem with the trainspotting vote? Issue a PR that says Newsnet Scotlandshire writers prefer the bus. Cue attacks on wee hairy dugs by splittists in anoraks.

"Women starting to drift towards Yes? Tell the Mail that Winge over Scotlandshire is run by a rapey misogynist. Instant outrage among the schismatics.

"Gay vote mincing Yesward? Brief that the Wee Ginger Dug is actually a straight MI5 agent provocateur. Job done. Suddenly it's all just too easy."

Ex-politician and leader of the now defunct Slab U-Knighted told us, "Ha ha ha. Now the People's Front of Jura hates the Jurean People's Front. There's even one Nat blogger called Bitter Nation or somesuch who has started deleting comments from everyone he disagrees with. We invented that.

"There are lots of others that are tearing lumps out of each other like student Trotskyites. We invented that too. Plus the infighting is starting to destroy their chances of gaining the one thing they all want. Slab came up with that one too!"

We asked UKOK head Alistair Darling to comment, but he just stared at us, shaking and blinking manically. Something seems to have scared the leader of Project Fear.

Perhaps he hadn't expected the Salmond to go for 'de bait'.

Offshore News

Our man in the islands Torquil Cretin tells us that the Teuchter Seps are fundraising to open a Yes campaign headquarters in the centre of Stornoway.

This is a dreadful cause and all loyal readers should avoid visiting the following link, and keep their hands firmly away from their pockets.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/help-fund-a-campaign-office-for-yes-na-h-eileanan-an-iar

Comments

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