Gosh! Great Ormond Street Hospital cuts Nob off!

By Ennaitchess Engerlund, Our Scrounging Sick Bastirts Correspondent

offordLondon Businessman, and grassroot of a No Campaign, Malcolm Offord, was distressed to find that the famous children's hospital had Ordered his Nob severed. It may no longer be shown on cinema screens in Scotlandshire.

Mrs Offord reportedly was pleased at the hospital's decision. "It was pretty disgusting", she said, "I really wished that I had never seen it. Malcolm really should stop this Nob Orders stuff. It's embarassing to see his Nob in CinemaWide, and his ambition to create a 3D version is as ridiculous as his pretension that it is of any use at all."

Great Osborne Ormond Street Hospital said that it was a clinical decision, and that they were taking no sides in the debate. However, a source said that the decision was strongly influenced by their "mission to provide world-class clinical care and training, pioneering new research and treatments in partnership with others for the benefit of children in the UK and worldwide.

"As specialists in young people, we are well aware of the dangerous tendency among certain young males to spend an inordinate amount of time flashing their Nob around, and imagining that others will admire it as much as they do themselves.

"In an imaginative medical innovation for these inveterate wankers, cutting off the offending member seems to effect a cure. In previous clinical trials (as with David Co**burn) partial excision showed no significant reduction in offensive behaviour patterns."

Principal GOSH supporter, Mr Peter Pan, said, "I have a certain sympathy with Malcolm. I too, tried to present a positive case for union - with Wendy, in my case - but she just looked down, pointed, and said 'Bring it on'. Of course, under these circumstances it remained totally flaccid. That's why she called me 'the boy who never grew up'."

U-KOK leader, Alistair Darling, commented, "I have a certain sympathy with Peter. I flipped mine four times, in the hope that mine would be Better, but people still laughed at me."

Wee Willie Rennie said, "I have a certain sympathy with Alistair. But, whit's in a name? Eh? Bloody a'thing in my case".

voteno1Now that we have entered the so-called "regulated period" for the splittist referendum, we need to show some semblance of balance, so we are presenting a wholly independent separate report from an obscure photo-journalist called Greg Moodie, who has managed to secure an exclusive interview with Mr Awford.

Further extracts from this exclusive interview can be seen HERE.

Natz Finance guru, John Swinnie responded, "I have no sympathy with these moaners. I've spent the last 7 years keeping mine in balance. Size isn't the only thing that matters. Having the freedom to use all of it to the maximum satisfaction of the people is what matters. if Westminster would release it's grip on it, I could do so much more."

Hoyrood Presidente, Alex Salmond smugly remarked, "I've no sympathy either. I accept that my satisfaction ratings have slipped a bit, but after going hard at it for the last seven years, that's hardly surprising. It's still true that more people are satisfied with my performance than with that of any other leader."

Former Tory leader in Scotlandshire, Auntie Annabel Goldie said she had no regrets about not having had any experience of such things. "From what I hear of Offord's, it seems to be particularly unhelpful. When I was a girl, and went to the cinema with my friends, our Mums warned us that we might see such things if a man in a raincoat sat near us. I never saw one then, and since Offord's has been pulled, I won't see one now either."

The Nob Orders campaign, however, got a warm response from both sides of the Edinburgh divide. A joint statement from Hibs and Hearts, said "So far we have little experience of Astroturf, but we will need to understand it before the new season starts. We have approached Offord for his expert advice on it."


Related Articles

Guardian [Bloody sure we're not giving the credit to that Wings guy that broke the story!] : Scottish 'no' campaign NHS ad pulled from cinemas after hospital complains

Baffie Box : Vote No Borders & Astroturfing: The Evidence


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