Co**burn's 'More Sex' call blighted by lack of woodies

By Hooch McGhandi, Our Coming Attractions Correspondent

lebensbornNew U-KIP MEP, David Co**burn, has been outraged by the lack of forward planning by Dictator Eck, which threatens to bring the planned human breeding programme to a premature end.

Inspired by previous exciting strategies to avoid any alien contamination by selectively breeding our own workforce, Mr Co**burn ejaculated that, "to boost the country’s population the answer lay in more sex rather than more migrants."

Unfortunately, a BBC Scotlandshire investigation has discovered that a virile male population is also required and, shockingly, Scotlandshire might have trouble with maintaining woodies in as little as twenty years.

Splittist health commissar, Alex Neil, was asked if his short-sightedness was due to excessive self-abuse and what plans he had to cope with this outstanding problem for all of the region’s men.

Typically for a politician, he pretended not to understand the question. “The Woodies report? That's not Health, it’s Environment, you need Paul Wheelhouse’s department.”

After an interminable delay, while the muzak seemed to be stuck on the 'Woody, Woodpecker' song, a telephonist apologised (with entirely inappropriate sniggering) for "leaving you hanging", and we were transferred. It is at this point that the terrifying truth was confirmed as the Nat minister for climate change brazenly admitted the truth.

“Yes, the Scottish Government is aware of the issue and is committed to resolving it. It takes over 40 years to grow one that's really useful. Coincidentally, about the same age as I am!”, he chortled. "Before then, they are immature and too thin to be useful.

"To get a continuous production line, you need to make sure that there is a plentiful supply of ones that are desirable for the customers, whether they want just one for tossing, or a regular supply for heavy users."

We remain puzzled as to why the Holyrood phone lines are affected by interference which sounds almost like giggling.

To balance these obvious lies we contacted renowned recliner and Chairchoob of Westminster Against Nat Knob Erection Restrictions, Iain Davidson MP. Standing proud against the flaccid comments of the Holyrood government, he claimed that, “Ah’ve never hid this problem ye understaun (an if ye say ah huv ye’ll get a doin), but ma china Alistair Darling has bin haein’ problems keepin his polls up, if ye get ma meanin. He says thur’s a wee blue pill that helps wie that sort of thing”.

pashtunReturning to brief Mr Co**burn on our findings, that the Holyrood Government seemed incapable of seriously addressing serious issues, we were surprised to find him relatively relaxed about the issue (or lack of them).

"It's not really an area that interests me much", he said, "and, in any case, Scotlandshire is lovely because it’s not full of people. That’s why a lot of people love Scotlandshire. It's a much nicer place without the bloody Scots.

"Of more serious concern is that Dictator Eck wants to fill the Highlands with (virile) Pashtun Warriors, when they should obviously be put in East Kilbride, where more women are well up for it, especially on Friday and Saturday nights.

"It's obvious why the Natz are so out of touch with the needs and interests of women."

Update

Since this was first published, we have had a complaint (God knows how that got through the system) from "Natalie", on behalf of a group called "Women for Splitting" - sounds like a bunch of bearded transvestite lumberjacks to us! The thrust of the complaint was that all our quotes were from men - so we were TOTALLY MYSOGYNISTIC !

The Trust has rejected the complaint on the basis that it was inaccurate. The telephonist quoted in the story was a woman (naturally, since it's a very low paid job, but well within the limited competence of a female). The use of capital letters in the complaint was probably just down to it being 'that time of the month', so anything she says can be safely ignored.


Related Articles

Edinburgh Evening News : Ukip MEP wants less immigration and more breeding

BBC North Britain : Scotland's timber industry warns of forest slump

Wiki : Lebensborn


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