By Dom Inatrix, Our Dictatorial Correspondent

"British politicians should always publicly rubbish foreign dictators - especially if they were elected by dodgy methods like FPTP", said UK fFS, William Hague today, condemning the utterances of foreign dictator Alecsammin, in which he said that foreign dictator Vladputin had restored pride in Russia, and was popular in that country.

"For Alicsammin to say that the Western Press doesn't understand Putin and Russia, was a dreadful thing to say", said Hague.

"The Western press is a bastion of the free world, and prints what we tell it to. If we don't understand something, then neither do they. That's democracy."

A spokesczar for Mr Putin said, "We really don't understand the British. They pleaded with us to help tell the Scots the dire troubles they would be in if they broke away from the Motherland.

"We had studied the tactics being suggested by the UK. We heartily approved of ideas such as bombing Scotch airports, seizing military installations in Scotlandshire, keeping them out of the EU and NATO. To be honest, those were all our ideas first. That's what we have been doing in Georgia and the Ukraine for some time.

"However, at Cameron's urging, we agreed that 'actions speak louder than words', and used Ukraine as a practical example of what happens to little countries, who dare to be separate.

"But, when we did, Britain condemned us! Perfidious Albion indeed - so in future, Cameron can fu*k offski. As can Alicsamminski. Bloody cheek criticising Russian Government policies on human rights - his own 'abolition of corroboration' idea is'nt going too well either."

British political historian, Professor Sendagun Boat, said, "I'm afraid Salmond will never be a successful leader of an imperialist state. He lacks the essential quality of always lying about his views on other leaders. Now that might be a useful characteristic if you're leading a wee country like Denmark, but not in Britain.

"Tony Blair, though. Now there was a classic British leader. Lied through his teeth about morality, then snogged some dictators, while inventing reasons to make war on others, and borrow £billions to fund military action."

U-KOK's current director (but do please vote in our poll for his successor)  Blare McDonut said, "Leaking this material from un unpublished article on an interview from ages ago, might just save my job! I've always said that I would run a positive campaign, and diverting attention from Alecsammin's Brugge speech is just the kind of positivity I had in mind."

A spokesfrau for German Chancelor Angela Merkel said, "Angela is deeply upset that the British Press have largely ignored Alecsammin's high praise of her leadership. Ze Englanders can forget any co-operation on renegotiation over EU treaties, but Scotland will be welcomed with open arms.

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