By Randy Riter, Our Business Correspondent

The CBI - a wholly neutral organisation, that simply lobbies for what it believes to be right (in all senses) has been unfairly smeared as being "incompetent", "inefficient", "intransigent", "inadequate" and "incomprehensible" by opponents who fail to recognise that these features are the hallmark of Westminster's business partners. How else would the UK have achieved our present status?

I have now conducted extensive research into the entire matter, at a 2 day meeting with CBI Scotlandshire Director, Iain McMillan, at the exclusive "Hotel du Vin at 1 Devonshire Gardens" in Glasgow.

Iain was a charming host, and every facility was made available for me to completely understand the nuances of these unique circumstances.

Indeed, Iain apologised that he could not be more helpful. While the pet that was provided for my overnight stay was delightful, he would like to have provided me with more "research" facilities. Unfortunately, the hotel policy was "Pets allowed, Maximum number of pets per room 1".

However, I digress (as I frequently did with the delightful Conchita during my stay). In between times, I learned that the whole mess had been deliberately constructed by rogue business elements and interfering government quangos, who had used unfair and disorienting tactics such as "facts", "the law", and "democracy". Issues that no UK large business could be expected to understand.

Apparently, a tiny group of individuals who run Scottish Militant Extremist groups (SMEs) had  become members of a Natz front organisation calling itself "Business for Scotlandshire". In a very unbusinesslike way, they had not diverted public, company or shareholder funds to pay for their extremist beliefs, but had USED THEIR OWN PERSONAL MONEY, to bankroll this subversive organisation. This tiny group of 1,500+ individuals who run these groups tried to overwhelm and bully the 25,000 12,000 60 (and reducing) CBI members in Scotlandshire.

It turns out that they deliberately persuaded the Electoral Commission that the CBI was convinced that Scottish splittism would destroy the universe - BY QUOTING SOME OF THE CBI's OWN MATERIAL! 

Any child could have told them that cliping to the teacher like that makes you a tell-tale tit. No decent London club would admit such low-lifes as members. As Iain amusingly said, "They would be black-balled, except that they probably never wash so their balls are black already - and as for their immigrant members ...! He continued, in a hushed tone, just in case one of the waitress overheard what he was about to say: "You know they even have women members who attend meetings as equals. Who the bloody hell makes the teas and coffees amidst such a shambolic arrangement, auld boy?"

Consequently, the bureaucratic quango bastirts at the Electoral Commission (and it's no accident that they share the same initials as the European Commission!) checked the rules that the rebel Scottish Parliament had forced them to apply, and suggested that, since they seemed to be intending to spend a measly £10,000 hosting a dinner in August to glorify the Union, that would exceed the spending limits.

Since Conchita's services probably cost Iain more than that, the limits seem extraordinarily low - and at the annual CBI dinner, 60 (or less) members will need to be provided with appropriate services by Conchita and her friends.

A simple mistake by a lowly junior member of staff at the CBI - their Director of Political Campaigning - to register the organisation as loyal defenders of the Empire, has been used by vicious Natz to mount personal attacks on Iain and his friends. That's something that even low-life Natz such as gambling junkies like the Weirs of Largs, or "fatty" Alan Bissett have had to endure.

That the Electoral Commission have now decided that the rules must actually be applied to business, proves that they are tools of the anti-business Natz who would plunge a separate Scotlandshire into immediate bankruptcy, and that the CBI might actually have to live up to its commitment has driven poor Iain to retire.

I asked Conchita how his departure would affect her business. "It will make no difference", she said. "He has always just been a total wanker."

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