By Jen R Haight, Our Energy Correspondent

UK plans to source desperately needed renewable energy from any country, other than Scotlandshire, have been thrown into chaos by the former UK province of Ireland.

The splittist rebels in Dublin have told the UK to "feck off", and refused to build 2,300 turbines to feed the English market.

If England stays in the EU, Irish Minister for Energy Pat Rabitte suggested, there would be opportunities for trading energy, but as long as the UK couldn't make up its mind on anything, there was no point in proceeding.

"Scotlandshire would become just one of many countries the UK could turn to for the cheapest and most reliable deal", UK Energy Secretary Ed Davey told a renewable energy conference in Edinburgh last month.

"The UK could buy wind from Ireland, geothermal from Iceland, hydro from Norway, he said.

Energy analysts had already pointed out major flaws in Davey's thinking. The undersea connectors to Iceland and Norway have not been laid yet - and they would make landfall in Scotlandshire anyway.

However, Philip Hammond, UK Minister for Attacking Foreigners, admitted that the main concern was military. “As always”, he said, “BBC Scotlandshire was the first (and so far only) channel to reveal the truth that wind turbines are serious military assets - Weather Manipulation Devices (WMDs).

“Now that Salmond has demonstrated, yet again, that he can use them to flood the south of England, they are now a valuable resource for us to use against our traditional enemies - the garlic-munching Frogs. The reason that we buggered around in negotiations with the bog-trotting Irish, is that we can't risk being the target of  turbine attack from Ireland and Scotlandshire simultaneously.

“Consequently, all wind-farms in Scotlandshire will be declared enclaves of rUK, along with Faslane, the Continental Shelf, grouse moors, salmon rivers, Aberdeen (except Tillydrone and Northfield). Torry will remain part of rUK after we remove the people and one of the “r”s.

“There will be nothing non-negotiable. Everything will be on the table”, emphasised Mr Hammond. “But it will be our table, and it will be supplied by friends of or ours (almost ‘Family’) who supply similar ones to the most profitable casinos in the USA."

Mr Hammond then mounted a vitriolic attack on spoof channel BBC in Scotlandshire (that's the other one) for carelessly revealing the UK strategic battle plan for ensuring that Scotlandshire is undefended.

What many people believed to be a particularly amateurish and infantile consideration of defence issues in the splittist debate was actually the Top Secret briefing by the Chiefs of Staff to to the UK Cabinet.

"Fortunately", said Mr Hammond, "few people watch the spoof channel, but it has now been massively distributed across media which people do see.

"For example Newsnet Scotland [spit] has a front page splash showing it.

"Consequently, the entire military intelligence resources of the UK will be deployed against the traitors in Pacific Quay, which we are informed is in Bonnybridge. When I tell you that Scotlandshire is under serious threat from space - I mean it. My pal, the Mekon, has assured me that his flying saucers are poised to attack.

"Just as Putin is following our joint plan to crush separatism, by showing the Scotch how a bullying big neighbour will crush them under our jackboots if they dare to dream of freedom."

Related Items

Irish Times : Deal for 2,300 turbines to supply UK energy by 2020 called off

BBC Scotlandshire : BBC Scotlandshire Investigations: Dictator Salmond Developing WMD

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