Poultice – BBC London thanks you for your polling responses

By John Poultice, The World's only Polling Expert (sent from his yacht in the Caribbean)

belugaAnd a special thank you from me too. The cheque they sent me, for my analysis of your responses, will keep the wolf from the door (and the cat in Black Russian Caspian Osetra Caviar snacks) for months.

Consequently, I thought I’d share the analysis with you.

To BBC London
From John Poultice

To our Revered Overlord, Greetings.

Thank you for your trust in me (since I have little in your Trust) to ascertain the views of the northern peasants on this topic.

Firstly, I need to correct some of your miscomprehensions.

Salmond isn’t operating like Stalin. He’s actually a composite of Stalin, Hitler, Kim Jong-un, Attila the Hun (although a Hearts supporter) and George Bush.

Scotlandshire is intensely proud of Alastair Darling, Gordon Brown, Ian Davidson and Johann Lamont. The reverence shown to them is obvious in front of TV sets across the region. When any of them appear, people cover their eyes and ears in homage as they mutter “Oh, my God, Oh my God”.

As to your questions –

Only 7.7% of respondents thought that Scotlandshire should be “written off as worthless”. We further “examined” these respondents (banning them from the Glasgow Subway may be a ‘cruel and unusual punishment’, but can be remarkably effective in eradicating dissent). Under pressure, they admitted to being seduced by ideas that oil had existed and had been valuable. When tied to a board, and regularly submerged under the waters where the alleged oil was supposed to have been, they accepted their errors.

9.7% loved your idea that Scotlandshire be “allowed to vote as it likes, and then be told to fu*k off”. However, many of them were 1979 Labour members, who had happy memories of exactly that happening then. There is, however, statistical evidence that such people are dying off much earlier than the rest of the population, due to an excess of bile.

redcoats19.2% were enthusiastic about Scotlandshire being “immediately invaded by troops from Britain to protect the rights of Scottish MPs”, though in follow-up questioning many of them thought that should happen before the referendum instead of waiting to see if the inevitable No vote actually occurred.

An anonymous Chairchoob added to his response. “Cameron wis richt glaid tae sook up tae Putin afore. Russia’s jist daein whit Cameron wintit, an’ noo he’s bein’ telt tae fu*k aff! He’s daen ra same tae yon Portugese fella. Ye dinna treat yer supporters that wye! (Weel Ah dae, bit they’re aw wankers)”.

If you have no Choob speakers at Broadcasting House, I will attempt to find a translator.

“Where the hell is Scotlandshire?” was the response of 30%. You will be pleased to know that geographical illiteracy exists outwith [Damn that’s a Scotticism] the M25. Your strategy of dumbing down the population is succeeding!

The largest group - precisely one third (33.3%) favoured your option that Scotlandshire be allowed “to do as it likes.”

As you will recall, I had initial doubts about this option, as I doubted the mental capacity of the peasants to grasp its meaning. However, as usual, you were right, and I was wrong.

Our respondents recognised the critical importance of the word “it”. They were not confused by the Natz nonsense that “Scotland” (as they carelessly call it – denying our county status) means the people. As you intend, “it” means the land, or rather the owners of that land. With a franchise of OAOV (One Acre, One Vote), our panel recognise that the Duke of Buccleuch and his friends should continue to make sure that the Empire remains united.

PS In future, can you denominate my fee in dollars, euros, yen, Swiss francs – or any currency other than sterling? I’ve just seen the latest polls.


Update

There appears to be some controversy about the Underground Press in Scotlandshire. I didn't know there was any! However, in Glasgow, the Subway seems to be the centre of political controversy yet again. We have a new poll to see if our readers can help us understand what is going on.


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