Barosso guttered after failure to get UK support for top NATO job, despite sucking Cameron

By Nuke Rasbastirts, Our Peaceful Co-operation Correspondent

barroso-wankerNorwegian newspaper Aftenposten reports that José Manuel Durão Barroso, President of the European Commission, and rectum inspector to UK PM David Cameron, has failed to get another job.

“He’s absolutely guttered”, the paper said – although maybe the translation should be “gutted”. Our command of Norwegian is marginally worse than our command of English [1].

They say, “Several European newspapers have also claimed that Manuel Barroso, the current head of the European Commission, has been a formidable opponent for Jens Stoltenberg in the last round of the process”. Adding, “after greasing up to any NATO country with a splittist movement, by promising that none of them would ever get into the EU. Like we could give a fa*n!”

However, Aftenposten´s sources say that Barroso, a former Portuguese Prime Minister, hasn´t been regarded as a top candidate to the extent some newspapers have claimed. “He was only ever a rent boy for Rajoy and Cameron. To Cameron we simply say, as we did in 1981 ‘We have beaten England! Your boy took a hell of a beating!’ “

They continued, “It was previously known that both US president Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel had chosen Stoltenberg for the job and French President Francois Hollande have now declared their support for Stoltenberg´s candidacy. The UK PM also gave his support to the Norwegian, after ensuring that Barosso had degraded himself by carrying out the PM's arse-licking instructions.

"This means that the three most powerful NATO countries are now behind the Norwegian, as well as that treacherous wee drittsekk in London.

whole black puddingThere is already speculation among informed former journalists from the spoof channel that Barroso might turn on Cameron and say “In ye come Scotland. Fu*k the Tory bastirt.”

The Labour Party in Scotlandshire’s defence specialist, Jackie Baillie, was reported to be spitting blood at the news – though our source did admit that could have been because she had snacked on a couple of Stornoway black puddings while reading the story.

Esteemed Twitterer, Stephen Greenhorn ‏wrote, “But how can they give it to some bloke from a puny wee place like Norway? No nukes. Totally lacking in 'clout'. Madness!”

Chairchoob of the British Association Representative Of Scots Seeking Oblivion, Ian Davidson MP, said, “ Ah ken thit it’s ra joab o’ the Yookay Heid Bummer tae dae whit the Yankee boy tells him – bit fir fuc*k’s sake! We’ve bin telling folk that wee countries get naethin, and Cameron jist rolls ower an taks it up the bum!”


 [1] Given that only Shetlanders understand Norwegian, and since the bastirts seem to be supporting splittism we’re not talking to THEM, so it may be that our translations of the Aftenposten story contain some tiny inaccuracies.


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