By Kicka Baw, Our Very Important Things Correspondent

Supporters of the Union were overjoyed when GERS scored a double-whammy to overwhelm dissident splittists.

Not only did Ally McCoist’s team secure their inevitable rise to world domination by beating some other team, but they also published a devastating economic analysis proving that North Sea Oil has finally run out, and that Scots are definitely too poor and genetically too small to survive outside the Empire (which needs no oil or gas).

Former GERS star, Scotlandshire player, and objectionable wee nyaff, Barry Ferguson crowed that he was delighted that Scotlandshire was doomed to collapse into poverty and chaos.

“I signalled to Scotlandshire some time ago that they could “fu*k aff’. Here in Blackpool, we’ve got so much gas that it comes out of the water tap, as well as my arse.”

Football pundit and part time finance spokesthing for a minor political party, Iain Gray, was absolutely clear. “It’s obvious that if the profits of the club are siphoned off elsewhere for many years, then a drop in season ticket money in one year will really screw the budget, because you have no reserves.

"That’s why I recommend that all the club’s income should be sent abroad to prevent it being misspent by eejits like me. Remember that I have a great history of winning, so you can trust everything I say. Anyone for a sandwich?”

Head of the GERS statistical team, Lee McCulloch, said, ”Numbers are often hard to understand, but three is a magic number. When I divided the UK deficit by three and multiplied the Scotlandshire deficit by three, I discovered that we had won and gained promotion to the Championship. That means that the UK will now be able to compete for a playoff place to gain admission to the G46 – not bad for a country with no resources, and an incompetent board, and totally unknown ownership.”

Richard Gordon, the mouth of fitba, international economic theory and ovine sexual abuse for Radio Scotlandshire admitted to being simultaneously confused and depressed by the news. “I was really looking forward to the League Cup Final on Sunday. YES, a final at last, I thought, but then I learned that my team captain Barney Crockett, and former Dons hero Willie Young 29 (who turns out to be Iain Gray’s counterpart in Aberdeen) are sending me a letter to tell me to say Naw.”

Canteen manager and galluses groupie, Brian Taylor observed, “If Dundee had been selected as the oil capital, instead of those northern bastards, then glorious United would be currently grinding all other faces into the mud.

"Although, with no more oil available, mud won’t be required either. Fortunately, my friends in the Labour Party leadership have assured me that they will continue to provide a constant stream of shite to make up the deficit.

"Did I say deficit? The UK has never had, doesn’t have, and will never have, a deficit. Iain Gray told me that.”

Johann LaMont, Scotlandshire’s Unionist branch manager was unavailable for comment, but a spokesbot said, “Johann is keenly interested in all sporting issues and supports the Scotlandshire shinty players in the Winter Paralympics. She is confident that they will support our view of Scotlandshire by failing to even get admitted to the Games.”

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