By Rekka Barr, Our Posh People Correspondent

Following outrageous behaviour at a meeting in Portlethen last month by a group of drunken ex-students, which caused irreparable damage to the Union, Aberdeen Council is about to decide to bar them from all properties in future.

Alleged leader of the so-called “Cabinet Club”, Alex “Posh Boy” Salmond was defiant. “Seems it was OK for Cameron and his Bullingdon Club cronies to behave that way, just as it was for Teddy Taylor’s boy and the rich bastirts at St Andrew’s Uni in the Poona Club to do the same.

“Me and my mates were too poor back then, and didn’t have rich Daddies to pay for the damages. It’s our turn now! We’ve got all that lovely Block Grant to spend, so we can do what the fu*k we like! Portlethen was a pish place anyway.

”We go anywhere we want. We gatecrash anywhere we want. Did you see me at the Oscars?”

Councillor Wullie Young, Aberdeen’s Finance and Resources Chairman, who proposed the ban, said, ”These ‘Cabinet Club’ arseholes tried to give us £7.3 million to repair some of the damage, but I was having none of it. I didn’t get where I am today by having a Daddy rich enough to give me everything – well, I did – but that’s irrelevant. I stand toe to toe with the working class of Aberdeen, and they tell me that they don’t want any of that cash.”

Council leader, Barney Crockett, said that he was disappointed that no firmer action was being suggested. “We have had legal advice from Lawyer Tickell that we are free to pass a Bill of Attainder, ordering Alex Salmond's summary execution, and to divert Council funds, earmarked to upgrade the Haudagain roundabout, to hire the Executioner of Calais. To this end, I have started a crowdfunding effort to raise the money to hire the Maiden from the Regional Museum of Scotlandshire.”

Joan Sturgeon, Provost of North Ayrshire, said that she was horrified to discover that her daughter Nicola was a member of the Cabinet Club, and had been involved in the Portlethen scandal. “I sent her straight to her room”, she said, “and told her that she wouldn’t be going to any more Cabinet parties that I couldn’t keep an eye on. I’ve cancelled their let of the Volunteer Rooms, but let them book the Delta Bar in Irvine for the 25^th March, on the basis that you couldn’t damage it much more than the locals do every night, but that’s really her very final last chance.”

"It's so UNFAIR!" wee nippy sweetie Nicola yelled, slamming her bedroom door. "How can she not understand that I need to see Alex and the whole rest of my life depends on this referendum and she is RUINING MY LIFE. LIKE, TOTALLY RUINING IT. I wish I'd never been born!”

Scottish Branch Manager of the Unionist alliance, Johann LaMont, broke her accustomed silence to say, “I totally agree with that last sentence of the wee bitch Joan Sturgeon’s wean. If Joan had just kept her legs shut then Nicola would never have even been conceived!”

UPDATE

Earlier today, Marie Boulton Deputy Leader of the Cooncil and leader of the Independent Alliance Group of Rich Tory Bastirts said Willie's tongue had slipped. She expressed her disappointment, as it had been quite fun until then.

However, Councillor Young later denied that his tongue had slipped. “My ‘plan’ was still standing proud. I just needed to get my breath before sookin up to the Tories again.”

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BBC in Scotlandshire : First Minister Alex Salmond 'could be banned' from Aberdeen council-run buildings

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