Blow for Salmond as top Tory warns Indy Scots “would lose their DNA”

By U. Kippin-Awbutnaim, our resident swivel-eyed Britnat watcher

DNAIndependent Scots will lose everything with the term 'British' in its name, including their British DNA, claims an influential Westminster government spokesman.

Conservative Cumbrae councillor Tom Marshall made the extraordinary statement in the Largs & Millport Weekly News, leading to speculation that he has inadvertently leaked plans for the next phase of the U-KOK campaign against separation.

Responding to claims by “the Nats” that many supra-national institutions will survive independence, he writes, “They say [they] will keep the Queen, and the Pound – well until last week’s bombshell- and lots more if you believe Alex Salmond.

“But in reality Independence or to give it its real name ‘Separation' will mean the end of lots of other things. Scotland’s founding DNA is inextricably part of the UK.”

However, leading geneticist Prof Reklas Cloner of Edinburgh University has ridiculed Cllr Marshall's claim saying, “The councillor may have studied Science back in the 60's but extracting the DNA of 5.3 million people would be beyond the scope of even current scientific understanding. The fact is people's DNA is inextricably part of their subcellular structure and not, in any sensible way, part of the UK. 

"We'd never manage to extract it all even if we were to kill all the subjects first. And, to be honest, that seems a bit extreme - even for the Home Office or the UK Border agency. Mind you, the DWP would probably be up for it.”

tommarshallCllr Marshall, described by pro-dependence Labour colleagues as 'an uber-unionist', has also made further astonishing claims. He states, “No more will we have the British Red Cross, British Legion, British Army, British Broadcasting Corporation, British Heart Foundation, British Grand Prix, British Lung Foundation, British Airways, British Museum etc. ad infinitum.”

The warning is clear. BBC Scotlandshire has been shown secret U-KOK strategy papers which reveal that a succession of UK Government ministers will make 'flying visits' to Scotlandshire over the Summer to list all the institutions which will be denied to Scots following separation.

Ministers will continue to argue that the Bank of Scotland is a Scottish bank because it has the word Scotland in its name (despite being wholly owned by the Lloyds Banking group), and the Bank of England is an English bank by the same logic (despite it being wholly owned by the UK since 1948).

Consequently, they will state, anything which includes the terms British, Britain, GB or UK in its name will be the sole property of the former UK (fUK) after separation, and therefore will be unavailable to Scots.

Included in the Westminster list of post-split contraband will be:

  • The British Isles (including Shetland);
  • The British weather;
  • The British class system;
  • The British nuclear deterrent (including a 50 mile cordon sanitaire around Faslane);
  • The Great British Bakeoff;
  • The British sense of humour;
  • The British Conservative & Unionist party;
  • The traditional Saturday night pUKe;
  • British Home stores (but true Scots don't wear knickers anyway);
  • The UK Independence party;
  • The British coastline;
  • The Battle of Britain;
  • bUKfast;
  • The British Virgin Isles (including all the virgins);
  • The British stiff upper lip (but Scots can retain the floppy lower one);
  • U-KOK;
  • The Lewis chessmen (currently in the British Museum);
  • The name “United Kingdom” ©1707 England;
  • Britain's Got Talent;
  • The UK riots of 2011;
  • Amazon.co.uk;
  • The Brit Awards (including luvvies for dependence).

A spokesnat for the ruling SNP group alleged, "Cllr Marshall was recently appointed as vice chair of the licensing board. Perhaps he has been accepting rather too many 'nippy sweetners' of late from prospective licensees".

Top Scottish Tory Johann La Mont was unavailable for comment.

Loyal BBC Scotlandshire viewers are encouraged to add their own suggestions to this list. Lets keep those Scotch subsidy junkies British.


 

For up to the minute news and breaking updates, follow BBC Scotlandshire's Chief Political Correspondent Nat Hunter on Twitter @ScotshireLive.


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