By wee Arnie Pheert, our Roving Rutherglen Reporter

BBC Scotlandshire executives were almost stunned into silence today when the broadcaster was accused of being a “spoof website” in one of Scotlandshire's leading satirical publications. The complaint was raised in response to an indisputedly accurate retrospective article summarising the "career" to date of James Kelly MSP.

The “Daily Record”, along with its sister publications the “Daily Mail” and the little known “Rutherglen Rebel”, have been delighting Scottish readers for decades with their breakfast diet of spoof political scaremongering, designed to lampoon the output of the UKOK campaign.

However, never before has “The Record” dared to take on the mighty institution of the BBC.

We asked the channel's political editor Nat Hunter how the BBC were planning to respond to Mr Kelly's 'hitting out', and were told, “Initially we felt we should retaliate as the article suggested we were 'backing Scottish independence'.

“Nothing could be further from the truth. Ask Dr John Robertson of the UWS if you don't believe me."

Johnny Bossyman, BBC Scotlandshire's Head of News and Bias said, "You call that hitting out? Just wait until you read the rest of this article!"

But then, since all journalists are caring, sensitive souls, we decided instead to launch an investigation into whether we had inadvertently been unkind to the surprisingly thin-skinned Mr Kelly.”

We spoke to a Mr Slab Intern (74), an employee from Mr Kelly's parliamentary office, who told us, “James was really upset to be called 'our most transparent MSP' as he feels the opposite is true. The word obscure comes to mind, or obtuse perhaps, some might even say 'thick as shit in the neck of a bottle', but never transparent.

“Rather than seeing through him, most of us have difficulty working out what he actually does, or what he is even for. Not much transparency there, is there?

”Normally we just wheel him out at U-KOK Klan Gatherings, so he can scare the crumblies by telling them their pensions will stop in September and their Grandads fought the Boshe to proudly keep Scotland from regaining her sovereignty.

“To be honest, satire's a wee bit over his head. He has trouble just tying his shoelaces.”

It then came to our attention that, as a consequence of this interview, Mr Kelly is now advertising for a new careworker, his personal term for political advisor.

We asked Mr Kelly for his views on BBC Scotlandshire's recent profile of his career and received the following written reply. Unfortunately, Mr Kelly couldn't be there in person so it was helpfully read out by the face of Rimmer London, Kate Moss.

"Ah cannay stand aw that abuse and stuff, especially when it comes fae smelly wee cybernat bastirts like BBC Scoatlandshire. These Natz numpties ur ruinin' the hale debate wi aw their abuse and their ugly faces and their horrible fat bodies.

"Ah mean, just take that Alex Salmond. He looks like a balloon and he acts like a wee dictator. He's like Robert Mugabe in tartan bloody troos – silly wee troos that we paid for”. Wearin' oor troos in a £54,000 a night hotel room, just so's he can shag Beyonce.

“And he's a total f**kin liar an aw. He couldnae tell the truth if he found it wedged inside a great big pie, that wan.

“How can you have a sensible debate wi tumshies like that, total nutters who just play the man aw the time.

"They're totally negative and abusive and never ever come up wi any positive case for the Union Scotland Separashun.

“Well it disnae matter. Ah hate they SNP bastirts anyway, and they YES Scotland bastirts an aw, and every wan ay they Scottish SNP Scottish bastirts.

"That's the problem wi Scotlandshire... It's packed tae the rafters wi SNP bastirts! 

"But it's aw right. The U-K's OK. Ma big pal Gideon has been up here from dan sarf an he's claimed them aw.

"Stay with us, Shortshanks, Please!” [Script written in (toxic) green crayon - ED]

Mr Kelly's apparent boss, 'leader' of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann La Mont, was far, far too angry to comment. “Whit part ay 'unavailable fur combat' dae yous no unnerstawn!”, she shrieked in her best "Salmond ya bass" stairheid rammy voice.

Related Items

Our Kingdom : Interview: BBC bias, bullying, and the Scottish referendum

Daily Record : Rutherglen MSP hits out at spoof indy website

BBC Scotlandshire online : James Kelly MSP - A transparent profile

W4MP Jobs : Advert for a new careworker for James Kelly MSP

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