By Rite Whinger, Our 'Right On' Correspondent

"We will rule Scotlandshire when the toxic Natz dissolve into the Scotch mist, after the Empire triumphs in September", said new Scotch Toxic Tory Chairman, Richard Keen.

As Dean of the Faculty of Advocates, Keen follows a long tradition of lawyers proving that they are both superior to, and totally ignorant of, the common people.

Demonstrating a commendable lack of democratic accountability, Keen said that "he had decided to become Chairman". However, Keen seemed less than keen to endorse, support or make any positive comment about the Leader of the party at Holyrood.

He said: “I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way because it might be. Johann is improving all the time.

"You can’t become a leader overnight. It’s taken her a year to fit into the role.”

When gently reminded that Ruth Davidson was the Tory leader, while Johann La-Mont led Labour, Keen demurred.

Having removed the offending murr from his wig, he continued, "No. I'm a lawyer. I judge things on evidence, and the evidence is clearly that Johann articulates pure Tory doctrine. Anyway, her Dad, Norman La-Mont, was one of the great Tory Chancellors."

Richard has developed his career in law, through involving himself in complex cases. He has thus developed several complexes. He has been involved in a number of cases where small businesses were being bullied by the SNP Government. Among such clients were Tesco, Imperial Tobacco and Rangers FC. Scurrilous suggestions that he was simply a mouthpiece for the rich and powerful were indignantly denied by colleagues.

"He has also represented Scottish Ministers on a number of occasions", an insider said. "He was even successful sometimes. Look, he's a lawyer, like Alastair Darling and Kenny MacAskill. He'll make the most ridiculous points to support his client's case, if he thinks there's the vaguest possibility that judge or jury (who, in elections, are the same thing) will let him away with it."

Keen, himself, confirmed that he said, “I think a timescale of ten years is realistic to see a Conservative-dominated administration at Holyrood.

He allegedly continued, "We are well on the way to that, through the creation of a Tory dominated alliance of three parties in Scotlandshire. The success of the Tories in Aberdeen and Stirling, for example, show that you don't need to be the biggest party to be the most dominant. All over Scotlandshire, we are in control. Should the leaders of the three Conservative parties in Scotlandshire fail, I will simply assume the leadership of them. If councils fail to follow my instructions, I will become the leader of them as well.

"One British people, one British country, one British leader - 'Tomorrow Belongs To Me'."

Canteen manager and part-time political analyst, Brian Taylor commented, "Britain has a long history of electing those determined on wielding absolute power to office - as long as it's not over their office. Many of them have been vaguely Scots-related, like Blair or Brown. It's probably time that we had a vaguely Scots Tory as the sole leader.

"Alec Douglas-Home was the last one and, interestingly, he also peddled the idea of 'Vote No and you'll get many more powers'. That worked before, and a strong, single-minded leader, with dictatorial control is clearly the best answer.

"Tannadice has never been the same since Jim McLean sadly left us."

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