By John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Correspondent

Campaign plans to erect huge Trident shaped posters across Scotlandshire, to seduce women into saying No to Salmond and to carry on enjoying the fruits of Cameron's love bombs, "are no longer hard" according to evidence from an open Zip file seen by BBC Scotlandshire.

The latest poll from YouGov shows a dramatic difference between Scots and English respondents.

When asked, "When it comes to sex, to what extent, if at all, do you agree with the statement ‘A man's penis size matters’?" While only 23% of those in Scotland thought it mattered, 40% of those in England thought big was better. Among English Tories, the importance of either having, or being, a big prick rose to 48%.

Trident was seen as a particularly potent symbol by the London Tory funded unthinking tank, "Bitter To Get Her", sub-group of the main "Fu*k off, Stay Oan, Scotlandshire" campaign. Director, Willy Waiver explained, "In the showers at Eton, we were all in awe of the boys with the biggest dongers. We understood that these were the ones who would rule the world. Having missiles is just an extension of that into the international community, where all Defence Ministers are, naturally, men. I just assumed that everyone shared that view. For Scotch people not to think the same way as their rulers is incomprehensible."

A spokesharridan for "Women for Independence" commented, "We listen to women, instead of assuming what they think. Lots of us talk about sex - because it's good fun between willing partners. Sometimes, big and powerful can be good - like a Eurocock. More often, something smaller but used with love and care is infinitely more satisfying. You might thing of a Holyrood Willie - but thoughts of Mr Rennie would put you right off! The Westminster idea of 'one size fits all', however, is sadly very unsatisfying".

A person from "Women for Dependency" disagreed. "I'm not really allowed to speak about anything", she giggled. "Of course, I've never seen my husband's thingie, but I know about it when he tells me it's time for me 'to lie back, and think of England'. He tells me it's very big and powerful, and that I'm lucky to have it. I just think about having to wash more sheets, but he tells me that thinking such 'independent' thoughts is wrong, so I try not to."

However, in more important news, I can report that our own poll casts some light on the different Scots attirudes to this dirty sex thing.

We asked, "Which service from the U-KOK associates would you first want to use?"

In joint first place, on 19%, were 'Blow your Noes? – A free service from Hoors fir the Union' and 'Toffee Noes - Tunnock's wafers for you'. This demonstrates that Scots are largely uninterested in using the male member for procreative purposes, and explains both the ageing population and increasing obesity.

13% fancied 'Turn your Noes up! – Free patronising advice from Snobs R Us' while a further 12% of social climbers chose to join upper class pursuits with 'Powder your Noes - an exclusive deal with Nigella's suppliers'. 11% were wannabe Tories and selected chemical enhancement to achieve their dreams by subscribing to 'Hard Noes - Viagra for a year'.

7% of you had such low social ambitions that 'Noesbag – A free lunch with Jackie Baillie' was your most earnest desire, while 6% intended to accompany their masturbatory fantasies with 'Get up your Noes! – 24 hour podcasts of Alastair Darling’s speeches'.

Counselling has been arranged for these sufferers.

Meantime, the Scottish Sun has dared to question the propriety of the Better Together website, and unreasonable demands have been made that we actually publish the rules that we ban people for breaking.

The wise advice of our viewers is sought as to which rule we should publish. Please help us out by taking part in our poll.

Related Articles

YouGov : It's official: size doesn’t matter (unless you're a Tory)

Wings Over Scotland[shire] : The Unwritten Law

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