Splittist Scotlandshire won’t be allowed to use English water

By Greezy Pump, Our Energy Correspondent

eton playingBBC Scotlandshire can exclusively reveal that it has been briefed by the dog walker to David Cameron’s hairdresser that the three main Westminster parties intend to rule out the use of English water by Scotlandshire in event of a yes vote.

This shocking revelation is due to be made by Lib Dem Vince Cable in a speech from the Department for Business Interference and Scaremongering (BiS). In his speech it is expected he will state categorically that if the Lib Dems are returned with a majority in the 2015 UK General Election; that they will put in place blocks to ensure English water remains in the south. Cable is expected to announce the drastic measures later today at the Auchenshoogle ‘wet and wild’ nudist water park.

It is understood that this drastic move is being considered in order to preserve the precious resource that is water, following on from years of ‘wet droughts’ (where hosepipe bans and sandbags for flood defences are issued simultaneously). In what has been deemed a major blow to the splittist dreams of Dictator Eck (©Anas Sarwar), the intervention has opened up another black hole in the Scottish Governments white’ish paper.

Speaking exclusively to BBC Scotlandshire, Lord Raynhard of Submergedton said, “Rain that falls on the green, green grass of England – be it in Oxford, Workington, Belfast or Cardiff – is English rain and a splittist Scotlandshire will not be allowed to partake of its quintessential Englishness.

“It’s utterly inconceivable. When you look at the White’ish paper, that it makes absolutely no reference as to where Scotlandshire shall get its water should it break away from the munificence of the UK political system. Clearly Wee Eck has not come up with an argument that holds water, and we can only hope that this Splittist threat evaporates away. I mean it’s like he expects the answer to just fall from the sky or something...”

News that Scotlandshire would not be allowed English water has already had an impact on industry and trade, with the ‘All England Water Co.’ declaring that they would have no water plants in a splittist Scotlandshire and the ‘Thames Sewage Treatment Centre’ already issuing a warning that they will have to shelve plans for shipping premium bottled Thames water north.

In a further twist it has emerged that the UK Government has been planning for this contingency for some time and is in fact building secret inland lakes in order to stockpile supplies of fresh water in response to the threat of Scottish independence. Speaking of these advanced plans the PM, David Cameron, remarked, “Money is no object... at least while were still sucking the life out of Scotland’s finances... so we better ramp the tap up to full flow and get what we can while we can.

kernow“We’ve already put in place plans to build a very large wall around Somerset, which has the dual purpose of not only acting as the world’s largest man made reservoir, but also cutting off those bloody Cornish splittists, who will now be reliant on supplies shipped down the Weymouth corridor, an area our military assure me can be effectively blockaded and patrolled.

“This dual purpose plan will ensure that there is a readily available supply of fresh water for Southern England – well fresh’ish if you strain out the floating sewage – and the last unruly section of the UK can be brought in line with threats and intimidation through a prolonged siege, which I’m sure we’ll all agree is in everyone’s best interest.”

Local residents seemed confused by the revelation that the wall being built was not the flood defences they had expected, but rather for the reservoir causing tensions to run high and the PM being forced to call in the army at short notice to quell the locals. The army mobilised so fast that they didn’t even have time for their wellies – a situation that worried some of the Oxbridge officers until they realised that they could just send the troops in from afar (a move known as ‘Cameroning’, where you can give orders and interfere in issues but refuse to directly engage when confronted).

Responding to the news of WaterGate (Ed: That’s been used already!), Nicola Sturgeon remarked, “Water falls where it will, but you can be damn sure there’s a whole load more of it falling on Scotland. In fact we have an abundance of water, just as we have an abundance of renewable energy, and oil, and gas, and food, and an educated workforce, and talent! This is just another poor scaremongering attempt”

Claims of scaremongering were dismissed by the ‘Better Together’ (or else) campaign as “pure pish... unless the SNP can explain the entire process of how water ends up coming out a tap in a splittist Scotlandshire then it’s not real independence anyway...”

 


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