Vicious misreporting of BBC Scotlandshire brings legal challenge

By Ian Weedick, Director of External Misdirection

peat worrierIt is never acceptable for a media broadcaster (not specifically licensed to do so, as we are) to misrepresent the words of a contributor in an interview.

When the words of our Director General, Kenny McQuarrel, were edited in such a way as to allow other voices to be heard, and his carefully prepared 3 hour monologue on the evils of splittism cut to a mere 3 minutes, strong action is required.

Consequently, I wrote to Michael Greenwell, Director of the splittist podcast series "For a' That", and his co-conspirator the weirdly named Lallands Peat Worrier, demanding the replacement of the podcast by a grovelling apology and the broadcast of McQuarrel's text in full.

Unfortunately, the above referenced Peat Worrier turned out to be a lawyer called Tickell. It seems that Tickell's response - "Fu*k off, ye wee prick" was phrased in the elegant Scots legal language of Lord Braxfield's 18th century court, where he is most at home, and is language still used by Edinburgh lawyers on a regular basis.

I was left with no option but to place the matter in the hands of our own lawyers, who have written to the culprits in the strongest possible terms.

 

cands

Collier and Shyster
3 Pitbing Lane (above the Chippie)
Auchenshoogle
DunAngusshire
DA37 1FU

Messrs Greenwell and Tickell
Co-conspirators
"For A' That"
Podcast
The Internet
.scot FU2

Dear Sirs

Mr Kenny McQuarrel

NOT FOR PUBLICATION (Weel publish if ye like - lang as we get a cut o' the cash)

Our client has instructed us to write to you in connection with a pod that was cast by you on 11 February 2014 (or on 14 January 1963, Auchenshoogle time) entitled For A' That 40 - Love-bombed to Death.

You reassured our client that the debate would be to international BBC broadcast debate norms with a three against one ratio.

Imagine the surprise of Mr McQuarrel when he found himself on the wrong end of a balanced debate and being systematically terrorised on air by a gang of three of the most crazed vile Cybernats known to mankind or even the Daily Mail. Instead of having allies working with him to save the Empire, he was the victim of a co-ordinated smear campaign aimed squarely at his professional character and the unenviable reputation of the beloved BBC Scotlandshire.

Our client has awoken in a bed of his own filth this morning in a state of complete confusion. Fits of uncontrollable weeping with intense episodic outbursts of "crying for his mammy" are relieved only by the most desperate shouts of "help me Rona". It is a truly pitiful sight to behold and don't even get me started on the smell.

To quote our client in one of his few lucid moments since the aforementioned act of inhumanity, he whimpered: "It would have been far more humane if they had physically restrained me then cut off ma baws. At least I'd have reason for feeling like a pink frilly Jessie!"

BBC Scotlandshire's doctor has diagnosed Post Transmission Separatist Dysfunction.

We have appointed an expert who has listened to the show and carefully analysed the transcript. She is prepared to corroborate the timely medical diagnosis provided by our clent's doctor. In her expert opinion this is the most extreme case of "Tickelling without hysterical laughter" she has ever investigated in twenty years of clowning about.

We expect an early offer of compensation to our client for your cruel humiliation of him. Payment will be accepted in euros, dollars, Norwegian krone, or neeps. Please enclose in a brown padded envelope (or a tractor and trailer, if paying in neeps). Regretfully, we cannot now accept English money, as the announcements from the UK political leaders that they intend to exclude oil, whisky and Scottish food products from the sterling balance of payments, means the Great British pound is heading doon the stank.

Yours for Scotlandshire

signature-2

 

 

Collier & Shyster LLB (well nearly)

 


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