Somerset Levels to be new home for Trident

By Marina Potential, our Re-Reclaimed Land Correspondent

Baron-SmithFlooded farms and villages in the Somerset Levels are destined to remain submerged indefinitely under new plans revealed today by Communities Secretary Eric Pickles.

The move follows discussions in a recent meeting of COBRA between Mr Pickles and the Rt Hon Philip Hammond, Her Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for Defence which looked at long term options for the stricken region.

Mr Pickles, who has now been put in charge of the government's flood defence, has apologised “unreservedly” for allowing the floods to happen.

He said: "We made a mistake, there's no doubt about that. “Most of the blame lies with the Environment Agency who droned on for years about dredging and sea defences, but did nothing about it. Not that this government has a problem with drones, you understand.

We asked Mr Pickles - so-called for his twin passions of children's books and cheese & piccalilli sandwiches - to describe his plans for the flooded areas. He told this reporter, “During the last COBRA meeting Richard (Hammond) came up with a brilliant idea so I agreed to go along with it.

flood-marines“He told me that, following the PM's ill-considered speech in the London Velodrome, it is now much more likely that the Scotch will vote to leave Britain so we need to finally start making preparations.

“The first of these will involve immediately rebuilding and reinforcing the coastal flood defences, but without allowing the floodwaters to drain away. That's why Richard deployed the Royal Marines – uniquely amongst Her Majesty's forces, they don't mind getting their feet wet.

“Then once the dykes/flood defences are in place, we'll pump more water into the levels to create an artificial lagoon. This will be named either Lake Jowls or Wattle Water, in honour of Baron "Chris" Smith of Fins-bury.

"As chairman of the Environment Agency, he is the man whose ineptitude, inaction and wobbly joke-face caused the floods to happen in the first place.

flood-sub“Anyway, the area will then make the perfect new home for Britain's Trident nuclear submarines, when the Jocks "send them hameward" in 2016. And it's somewhere to put the replacement too, once we work out how the hell we are going to pay for it without the bloody oil.

“At first, I was concerned that the plans could cost us votes. As a Tory minister and MP for Brentwood and Onger (My God, what terrible, nagging Onger), I don't like to risk losing any of the party faithful.

"But I needn't have worried.

"The PM told me that the local yokels in Somerset will vote Tory even if we flood their property and drown their livestock and children, which is exactly what we are planning to do. So no problem there.

"I was also concerned about the effects of radiation leaks on the local population. Again, David reassured me that the locals already have six fingers and webbed feet, and so won't even notice. Plus, the neighbours are all Cornish and Welsh, so don't matter any more than the Sweaty socks - on whom we managed dump it all for the last 50 years.

"Mind you, many of my friends and colleagues swear that all of this is God's quite understandable wrath for us allowing bumboys and fannylickers to marry. Perhaps they're right.

"Any sign of luncheon yet?"

With thanks to Alex Bell of Labour for Independence.


Related Items

BBC in Scotland (the spoof one) : UK floods: Government 'made a mistake' by not dredging

Russia Today : UKIP Councillor blames gay marriage for Britain's 'storms and floods'

Facebook : Labour voters for Scottish Independence


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