Dead poets to decide splittist referendum!

By Tim Rusbeestie, Our Poetic Mice and Lice Correspondent

topazPoetry lovers were ecstatic at STV's decision to feature a little known 18th century scribbler of Scotch doggerel as a key player in the referendum campaign.

While Robert Burns was regrettably unable to appear on the programme, both his British and North British personality traits were examined in depth. On future programmes, "Scotlandshire The Nicht" plan to discuss how William McGonagall, Robert Henryson and William Dunbar plan to vote in September.

Inevitably, Fat C**t Eck's robot army of vicious abusive cabernats unleashed a torrent of abuse on Twitter demanding to know why there was no discussion of some trivial report which (quite wrongly) suggested that STV were biased in their reporting by favouring loyal Brits.

An STV spokesadvert denied any bias. "We have not seen or heard of such a report", she said. "If we had, we would have discussed it with our friends in BBC Scotlandshire, and agreed that it was rubbish.

"In any case, one of our programme directors is called John Mason.

"That we allow someone with the same name as a Nat MSP to hold such an important job is proof of our impartial stance."

In confirmation that the Dead Poets series would continue the same level of balance that the channel had shown to date, it was announced that contributions would be forthcoming from Chaucer, Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Coleridge, Tennyson, Browning, Betjeman as well as Gray's "Elegy Written on the Burial of Scotlandshire in a Country Churchyard". [1]

Meanwhile, STV weather presenter Sean Batty issued a strong denial that future weather reports would be based on the new political weather reports supplied on Twitter by @UkipWeather.

Based on biblical prophecies "that a Christian nation, that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel, will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war", the new service directly allows readers to determine the weather by the level of homosexual activity in the locality.

independenceissobracingExamples of this progressive and imaginative service are

The early sunshine in the Cotswolds has been replaced by cloud after a man spent a suspiciously long time grooming his facial hair

Temperatures will plummet as a result of a man in Cumbria enthusiastically browsing through a home furnishings catalogue

Dark clouds are forming over the Midlands following voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons

An area of blame will move in from the east before drifting away and settling over Brussels

A morning kiss between two consenting adults will lead to drizzle on higher ground

An area of low intelligence centred around the Daily Mail will cause severe outbreaks of capital letters and exclamation marks

Mr Batty expained that, despite his name, he preferred the scientific approach. "I'm not dismissing the idea of a causal relationship between political activity and the weather", he said, "but it needs to be proved.

"What seems more likely is that some politicians spread clouds of misery, fogs of obscurity and deep depressions wherever they go. It wouldn't be surprising if they did actually change the physical environment.

"For example, at Glasgow Airport last Friday, 'passing clouds' were noted as the flight from London arrived. but when the text of Mr Hague's speech was revealed, the clouds were recorded as 'broken'.

"So let's not scoff too soon!"


 [1] Links are not given to English poets, as you will all have studied them at school, as opposed to the Scotch ones that you will never have heard of.


 Related Articles

STV : Scotland Tonight: Would Robert Burns have been a Yes voter?

Herald : Author claims Burns would have backed independence

Newsnet Scotland[shire] (spit!) : Broadcasters favouring No campaign according to new academic study

BBC Oxford : UKIP councillor blames storms and floods on gay marriage


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