Yes vote will cost families in Scotlandshire £billions

By Magnus Duplicitus, Political Editor of the Herald

STOP PRESS: Magnus suffers an uncharacteristic attack of journalism.

danny-and-willieHard-working families in independent Scotlandshire would have to pay billions of pounds more to be members of the EU, senior UK ministers have claimed.

Foreign Secretary William Hague and Chief Secretary to the Treasury Dannii Alexander said it was inconceivable an independent Scotland would secure an EU budget rebate, as currently enjoyed by the UK.

Our Political Editor and pie botherer Brian Taylor (no relation to Ian) asked Mr Alexander if he really meant to state that separation would lead to a bill for billions of pounds for each individual family.

"I may have said that, but no, what I meant was an independent Scotlandshire as a whole would lose billions, which would then be given to the rest of the UK. That would be unjustifiable and totally unfair.

"Besides, you can't take what I say literally - I'm a Conservative minister for God sakes- wait, that's not right - I'm a Condem minister for God sakes - nope, that's not right - I'm a LibDem minister for God sakes. Nailed it! You can edit that out, yes?"

When asked if that was not exactly the situation Scotlandshire has found itself in for decades, The First Rodent to the Treasury replied:

"True. That's exactly what happens now. But that is a good thing because it is our patriotic duty to help out our less well-off neighbours. Particularly those in the City of London who have seen a measurable drop in the pre-tax rate of increase of their annual bonuses in recent years. People who are literally my neighbours nowadays, by the way.

Foreigner"But the scenario I am describing is one where a separate Scotlandshire would be forced to subsidise a foreign country, The fUK, and that would be deplorable. It's all very well helping your neighbour, but not when the fUKer's a bloody foreigner. That's simply not British. Unlike Me. I simply couldn't be more British, what?"

Mr Alexander told an invited audience of UKOK activists in Glasgow: "What this means for Scottish families is that over the next seven years continuing as part of the United Kingdom will save them at least £750 per household, possibly much, much more."

Taylor pointed out to Alexander that, were Scotlandshire to become independent it would not happen until March 24th 2016, meaning the likely cost would be closer to £400 per family spread over 4 years - or under £2 a week. And that that was only if you accepted his assertions regarding the rebate and assumed there would be no tapering of any reduction.

"Well, yes," he spluttered in response, "but £2 a week is considerably more than the £1 a year I came up with last year, and shows just how expensive this whole business of separation is becoming.

"Anyway, numbers were never really my thing. I became Chief Secretary after being promoted from the typing pool. I never expected to be asked detailed questions on speculative and hypothetical subjects with lots of difficult sums involved. It's just not fair. You were meant to just feed me lines we had rehearsed earlier, like you always do. Help me Rona!"

jimmyWhen asked to clarify his 'inconceivable' statement by BBC Scotlandshire, whose correspondent studiously kept his back towards the nasty separatist protesters in case they should be noticed by our viewers, Mr Hague said:

"The contribution the UK makes to the EU is based upon it's population of 65 million. In the seventies, the Blessed Margaret, peace be upon her, gave Johnnie Foreigner a black eye and won us a generous rebate on our subs. The rebate was thus based on the same population of 65 million as the contributions.

"It is therefore inconceivable, if Scotland's 5 million were to become a separate country, that they could keep their bit of the UK's rebate for themselves. That's like saying they would need to keep paying their share of the UK's contribution. Naturally, the UK would expect to keep all of the rebate as well as continuing to pay the same levels of contribution.

"Shit! That's not it.

"OK then. What I really mean is not that it is inconceivable that iScotlandshire could retain its EU rebate, but rather that I cannot conceive of it. Well, obviously I can conceive of it or I wouldn't be able to describe it as inconceivable. But you know what I mean.

"No. Well, what I actually meant to say was I don't think it is very likely to happen. Or at the very least there is some uncertainty over whether it will happen. Let's face it, there is no precedent for any of this so none of us can do any more than speculate on what is likely to happen.

bulgarians"However, one thing is certain. If Scots vote for separation it is possible you may not get to keep your rebate. But if you vote to stay in our beloved Union, you will definitely get to keep it – right up until 2017 when the UK will vote on leaving the EU all together, dragging you Sweaties away from all your internationalist Scandinavian lefty nonsense.

"And then you won't need a rebate then as we won't be paying for subscriptions at all. Or for anything else. But it won't matter because all those nasty Bulgarians will have been sent home at last. All 20 of them. And good riddance to them all.

"Now, that's what I call punching above our weight.

A spokesnat from Alex Salmond's SNP-led Scottish government said: "What a pair of complete tossers... I'm getting a bit bored of all this now."


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Sunday Herald : Yes vote 'will cost families in Scotland £750 each'

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