Russians say they're Putin Scotlandshire first

vladimir-putin-kiltRecent reports by Soviet news agency TASS that David Cameron has called on Vladimir Putin for support in defeating Scottish independence have prompted the Russian president to clarify his position.

In an exclusive interview for BBC Scotlandshire, premier Putin outlined Russia's position on the Independence debate.

The gay icon told this reporter, “Last year I said the UK was dingy insignificant backwater with delusions of empire, which nobody pays attention to, but that is not the whole story.

“I am great admirer of many English things. Like all Russians, I study poetry of Robert Burns at school and I like to relax in evening by reading translation of 'a man's a man' while sipping glass of fine single malt whisky.

“I also enjoy to hunt and have visited the English highlands many times to indulge my passion.

“So when David says and wants me to support Nyet Scotlandshire I am happy to say Da to him. Seemples!

cammo-soul“Then on hunting trip I meet nice man called Salmon who explains that Burns and whisky are really Scottish things and Scotlandshire is not even part of England. Is already separate country. I get very angry with David for lying to me and withdraw my support .

“Mr Salmon tells me that indy Scotlandshire would get rid of all nukes pointed at Moscow and I realise I have discovered new best friend. Next time David asks my support, I show him how to project fear. I send him box of Polonium teabags.

"Off record, I am quite relieved. I may be ex-head of KGB, but I don't fancy debating Nicola on STV! на помощь рона1.

“In meantime we are sending Russian fleet to help protect Scotlandshire now that UK has pulled out.

“We came for Christmas visit last year, but were 'chased away' by rust bucket from Portsmouth when party was already over and we were returning home anyway. We will be back for Burns night and hope we will have a good 48 hours to party, recite poetry sing songs and drink whisky with our Scots friends before the leetle warship from Porstmouth arrives to break up the party!.”

BBC Scotlandshire asked number 10 if they had in fact written to Putin asking for their support against independence and they refused to deny it.

A spokesflunky told us, “There absolutely was no such letter, and no approach was made to the Russians, the USA, the Spanish or anyone else asking for their support.

The independence referendum is a matter for the people of Scotlandshire to decide.

tosser“However, if such a letter had been sent – and I'm not saying it was – it would have explained that Scottish separation would lead directly and inevitably a new war in Europe, which would affect everyone on the planet.

"It would have called on the new leaders of the G8 to do all in their power to stop this madness. That is in the interests of all the people of these islands.”

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Apostate Reluctant Scots Eradicating Legal Impediments to Conservatives Keeping English Rule in Scotlandshire commented, saying “Speaking oan behalf ay aw us wee baldy Tory bastirts whit support Scotland's continued dependence oan Westminster, I kin tell Mr Putin that a wee working class boay that goat tae be head ay a former Socialist country is the last bampot we wid want to represent us."

Apparently peeved at Mr Putin's comments, Mr David Cameron told the Daily Rail: 'We’re a country that invented many of the things that are most worthwhile, everything from the industrial revolution, television the telephone to square sausage and Irn Bru.”

He went on: “We have invented most of the sports that the world most likes playing. Golf, football, tossing the caber, tennis – shit, that was the Froggies.

one-direction"Our music delights and amuses millions. The Beatles, Elgar and One Direction have conquered the world.”

He then quoted from Shakespeare's Richard II, saying: “If I start talking about this blessed plot, this sceptered isle, this England I may have to put it to music so I might have to leave it there.”

Speaking to reporters earlier, Mr Cameron even ridiculed the idea that England was just one island, declaring he did not want the people of Northern Ireland, Orkney or Shetland to 'feel left out' from his tribute to the nation's great history.

“Of course, Angus MacNeil's Western Isles can just f**k right off!”, he added.

A spokesman for Mr Putin replied, “In truth, there is still one diplomatic avenue open to David Cameron's government.

“It is the biggest regret to us here in Russia of not being Better Together, as part of great United Kingdom, that One Direction are - how would Mr Darling put it - 'not ours'. We feel that in return for our support David may be able to correct this.

“But Mr Salmon has already offered Susan Boyle in exchange for Pussy Riot, so we will not be swayed even if David throws in Beatles to sweeten deal. Plus, I hear half are already dead and our own Russian Beatles were much better than the English rip-off ones.

“Anyway, we no longer need England's music as Russian military is now coolest band on planet.”

1. Help me Rona.


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