By Pavit Wigowd, Our Economical (with the truth) Correspondent

New research from the University of Pittemawdoon in Wales has demonstrated a clear link between rises in fecklessness and work shy behaviour and recessions.

‘The link is striking,” Professor Hugh Gerse said, “and it’s surprising it has never been picked up before. Clearly fecklessness among populations is cyclical in nature, with rises seen every seven years or so which lead directly to a noticeable slowing down of the economy. However once in a while, for example in the 1930s and in the current period, laziness becomes an epidemic. There appears to be a tipping point at which it becomes “trendy” among the lower orders to shun work. And at these points we see a real crisis in the economy result."

The new research has been hailed by George Osborne as proof that the UK governments policy to “get tough” on benefits claimants is the correct one. With a staggering 3% of the UKs welfare payments going to people who are unemployed, he says, “it is absolutely right we kick them very hard indeed.”

In an attempt to change the view of poor people that it’s “cool” to be unemployed, TV companies have been given money to create programmes such as “Benefits Street”, and “You’re a Scrounger spending my money, you Bastard” - a new format where decent, hard-working people are given a chance to vent their spleens directly at the sick, disabled and scroungers while they languish in stocks in village squares and city centres. In many cities across the UK food banks have been set up for the purpose of making sure there is always food to throw on such occasions.

“For many years,” professor Gerse - who also heads the right wing think tank “The Victorian Values Institute”said, “there was a feeling that if unemployment was high, it was the government’s fault and that those without work were somehow victims to be pitied. This victim mentality among the underclasses has been hard to shake off. However this new research proves beyond doubt that far from being victims requiring government and taxpayer largesse, these people are in fact the cause of global recessions, and if not nipped in the bud they will cause the downturn to go on far longer than necessary.”

Commenting on the research, top banker Gisa Nithiryacht said, “Though it doesn’t surprise me in the least that the filthy poor are responsible for economic downturns - just as they are responsible for bubonic plague, crime and the poor state of the nation - I am shocked to see such a clear link appear in the graph. The economic crisis in 2008 was a terrible event for people like me which left many of us distraught. My own bonus went from well over 5 million in 2007 to a paltry 3 million in 2008 after we were nationalised. For a while I felt slightly guilty about kicking that homeless runt with no legs on that bonus day, but having seen this research I no longer feel such guilt. I will be looking for more feckless wasters to kick and throw empty Dom Perignon bottles at over the weekend.”  

Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP said, “This research bears out a lot of what UKIP has always said, though it would also be useful to look at what drives the rise in fecklessness which causes recessions in the first place. I would surmise that, were you to add in the number of immigrants coming into the county you would see that a large influx of lazy people coming here for benefits may well be the catalyst - bringing their feckless foreign ways and spreading them like a virus among the indigenous underclasses.”

Ed Balls the Labour shadow chancellor said, “The results of Professor Erse’s study are interesting. We here in the Labour party do not believe it is quite so black and white and - while we very much support Osborne on clamping down on feckless wasters - we feel it could be done in a nicer way. For example, while we accept the poor and unemployed are a real problem for the hard-working wealth creators of this country and must be punished, the Labour party would, for example, not tell someone they were responsible for their own cancer as the DWP is currently doing. If we are elected in 2015 we will instead use a kinder phrasing such as, ‘We are very sorry but it’s really not our problem that you’ve got cancer.’ We would also commit to making sure such people were signposted to their local food bank.”

[For syndication to Scotlandshire publications only]

Some Natz politician in Scotlandshire said something inane and predictable about how separation could bring about “a fairer country” and also had the gall to suggest Professor Erse’s interpretation of the figures were open to question. Professor Erse said he was disgusted that the Natz were attempting to silence him and discredit his research, suggesting this was “probably because I have a posh English accent. However the Victorian Values Institute very much favours Scotlandshire remaining in the UK. There are a huge number of feckless wasters up there so without us to deal with them Scotlandshire would find itself in permanent recession. I will not allow myself to be silenced.”

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