Carmichaelmoore's "positive case" overshadowed by his demotion

By Strukk Dumm, Our Carmichaelmoore Correspondent

portsmouthOur Dear Leader, Alistair Carmichaelmoore, was allegedly in tears today when the Prime Minister announced that he had been passed over as Minister for Portsmouth.

Not only did David Cameron piss off Carmichaelmoore by his announcement that a junior Tory Minister, Michael Fallon, would be Minister for Portsmouth, he also provoked a major strop by Fallon's Lib Dem boss, Vince Cable.

Cable pouted, "I'm the real minister for Portsmouth. I go there, Michael Fallon does as well. Who is Carmichaelmoore?"

Regrettably, this intra-Coalition row has overshadowed Carmichaelmoore's Stirling speech. Retired politician, Gordon Brown, commented, "If Carmichaelmoore can't speak for Portsmouth, how can he claim to speak for the UK? On the other hand, as the MP for the Radium Coast, I can speak radio-actively for mutant invertebrates everywhere."

BBC Scotlandshire staff had been overjoyed to hear the Secretary for Portsmouth, Alistair Carmichaelmoore, say that we (along with our colleagues in other parts of the UK, as well as those serving non-UK countries such as the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands) were one of the best reasons for voting No to splitting the Union.

While AlIstair may not have got off to the best of starts in his new secretarial post (asking for help from the head of the typing pool seldom impresses) he made amends in a speech to an invited, and carefully vetted [1] audience.

He recognised that the BBC expresses "our shared wish for a national broadcaster that can educate, entertain and inform". Nowhere is that wish stronger than in Scotlandshire!

However, his choice of examples of UK icons that involve all of the UK, and nobody else showed the power of his intellect, and the width of his knowledge.

Highlighting the importance of sports operating only within the UK, he highlighted the "British Lions" [2].

Of the London Olympics he said, "At those Games, the UK won 29 gold medals. And over the Games, as the tally went higher, so did our collective sense of national pride." While that's not actually true, since not all of Team GB's gold medal winners came from the UK, that simply shows Alastair's generosity of spirit that he is willing to include outsiders, in order to emphasise his point that all reasonable people want to be British.

Wisely, he chose not to accentuate that "the" NHS operates only in England. As we always like to point out, the English are British, so logically the British are English.

The UK Parliament created the NHS in 1946 for all citizens of the UK who happened to live in England & Wales. If ScotlandSHIRE and Northern Ireland had been sensible, and allowed themselves to be incorporated into England, then they wouldn't have had to wait till  1947 and 1948 respectively to have their own separate systems established. Scots are entitled to have a privatised NHS along English lines. The long-standing wish by some Scots to be "different from England" has denied us this opportunity.

As the Guardian and the Scottish Daily Mail agreed, when they published the same article "The yes campaign is struggling to convert the greater mass of Scots into kilted bum-barers who bellow "freedom" whenever an English person hoves into view."

Unfortunately, at the end of his opening section, when Carmichaelmoore declared, "The NHS, the BBC, our sporting events, teams and heroes. These are just a few of the things that bind together our family in pride and endeavour", there was a sudden outbreak of winter vomiting virus in the hall.

michael fallon mpWe had been promised that Alistair would finally give us the so-called "positive case for the union". Properly, however, he announced that he was simply the warm-up act for the real power brokers - the civil servants in Whitehall who were on the case, had opened the case, and repacked it ready for shipping to Scotlandshire.

Alistair had, though, been allowed to peek inside and was able to tell us that "you’ll find no grandiose flights of fancy here - only the very facts of our United Kingdom:

  • our banks are safer
  • we have greater financial protection for savers and pensioners
  • greater levels of competition delivering cheaper mortgages and insurance for families and businesses
  • we invest in research, infrastructure and industry to remain at the forefront of new technological developments
  • we have a single labour market which allows people to move freely within the UK for jobs
  • we use our international influence to make a positive difference

The list can – and does – go on (and on, as I do).

Together these facts to [3] make a positive case for Scotland in the United Kingdom."

We endorse that view. No other country can do all of these things, and the Iraquis can testify that Britain's positive influence was really worthwhile.


 [1] Fortunately, most of the audience had already been neutered, so the services of the resident vet were seldom required.

[2] BBC Scotlandshire totally rejects allegations that protests from Irish Lions were cut from our reports because they protested about "that fuc*ing Brit bastirt." They were excised because we are British and they are bog trotting foreigners, like their Foreign Minister, and so best ignored.

[3] sic. It seems Alistair typed the press release himself.


 Related Articles

BBC Hampshire : Minister for Portsmouth to be Michael Fallon

Scotlandshire Office : Scottish Referendum 2014: Scotlandshire's choice


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