By Heiddoon Lavvie, Our School Gang Correspondent

The Natz were yesterday accused of bullying, and being frankly beastly, to anyone who doesn’t agree with them.

“It was terrible,” a senior global CEO, too terrified to be named, told BBC Scotlandshire. “That wee nippy sweety Nicola took a terribly scathing tone and told me I was wrong. How dare she speak to me like that? Me, a global business tycoon and brand in 27 countries!

"It feels like living under Robispierre’s reign of terror. One has the impression that, if one merely asks a question, such as 'how on earth were these Nazis allowed to gain control of Scotlandshire?', one may be savaged and potentially carted off in a tumbril towards the guillotine. And that’s just not the way we do things here in Surrey.”

The situation has become so bad that senior businessman and director of the CBI in Scotlandshire, Iain McMillan was yesterday forced to ask his friend Alistair Darling to stand up for him.

“Nicola said something terribly nasty about him”, the Head Boy of UKOK House said. “She accused him of scaremongering and implied he had no idea what he was talking about in his New Year’s Day message.

"He simply pointed out the Natz were stupid morons and Scotlandshire would be cast into a dark abyss in the event of separation. Her brutal verbal attack on him was entirely uncalled for - he was merely reading from a well worn propaganda textbook which the school has been using against the Natz for well over 30 years now. He is scared to go back into Scotlandshire this morning in case the bullying continues and I have been forced to write a note to excuse him from games as his knobbly knees may add to further hurtful attacks.”

The Natz have upped their attacks on supporters of the union in recent weeks and it is feared by many in the vulnerable and often voiceless business, media and Westminster political community that such attacks may escalate further in the run up to 2014.

Secretary of State for Dissing Scotlandshire, Alistair Carmichaelmoore bore the brunt of one such distressing assault which, to make matters worse, was filmed and put up on social media sites such as Facebook.

There was also a witness to that violence who stood by and did nothing, even as the hapless victim called out to her for help. “It really bodes ill for Scotlandshire,” the meek and genteel Liberal Democrat said, "that not only is such government bullying rife but some people appear to take a perverse joy in it.”

Carmichaelmoore's Mum wrote to the school to withdraw Alistair from the debating team, due to the abuse he suffered.

"Alistair bruises very easily", she said, "so he wants to prepare for a new career as a Portsmouth defender. He played a bit of football once, and was no worse at that than debating."

There is fear among some in the business community that if such behaviour is allowed to go unchecked it may lead to even worse abuses.

BBC Scotlandshire has heard an assertion, for example, from a  senior Labour MSP that one leading international arms mogul had his dinner money stolen in the toilets of a Glasgow hotel by someone from the Scottish government who had earlier demanded information about what a No vote would mean in what was described as “an extremely hostile tone”. 

It had been expected that by this point there would be so many business people supporting the union, bolstered by an aggressive media and also support from the prefects and masters at Westminster, that the dorky Natz would be having their heads flushed down toilets every morning before being pinned against every available wall and forced to eat shit. Instead it seems many cool people, some of them within the business community itself, are standing back waiting to see which gang, if any, they want to join. Some have even taken to tentatively joining in with the abuse, passing the odd sneer about Project Fear, or trying to trip unionists up in the corridor with questions about devo-max or complex points about the economy. A new gang with the handle “Business for Scotland” [sic, like yeah totally] has been causing particular concern to headmaster Cameron and the board of governors. 

A source close to the headmaster, (Deputy Head Michael Gove) who didn’t want to be named said, “Last year we gave the Natz some really good kickings and tried to destroy their confidence entirely. These were totally, like, intended to make sure they knew their place and hopefully force them to leave or just go and kill themselves or something.

"We really didn’t expect them to fight back - didn’t think they had the guts. They’re geeks and losers and we’re the big guys no one dares stand up to. They should be curled up in a corner by now crying and begging for mercy. Only now they’re being beastly to us and that is just so unfair! It shouldn’t happen; it shouldn’t be allowed to happen.

"Just yesterday one of them was even barbaric enough to ask me what my vision of a future for Scotlandshire is! But we have a plan to get back at them cos we're going to get all the really cool kids from the neighbouring school to come over and hang around the gates with us. So there.”

“This kind of bullying cannot be allowed to happen”, Alistair Darling said. “And businesses - terrified as they are - must find the courage to speak out. This is especially true on issues such as taxation which there are real and genuine fears may either rise in a separate Scotlandshire - which would be terrible - or fall which, would be awful. Alternatively they may be frozen, as council tax is, which is a truly dreadful thing we must all fight against.”

To this end the NSPCGBT (the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Global Business Tycoons) has joined with Esther Rantzen to set up a confidential phone helpline which business leaders who feel they’re being physically or mentally abused, neglected or bullied by the devolved Scotlandshire administration can phone to report their worries. TycoonLine reports that it has already been inundated with calls from global executives terrified to spread their baseless fear stories for fear they may be ridiculed in public by Natz. “Fear can be a self fulfilling prophecy,” Rantzen told a press conference yesterday. “It can be literally terrifying for someone running a fear campaign in an environment of fear where their scares might be used against them. People should never underestimate the terrible trauma many of our callers are suffering from the relentless abuse they are forced to endure.”

If you’re a businessman who feels too scared to speak your mind you can call TycoonLine on 0800-BIG-CRY-BABY or 0800-TAX-EVASION. If this story has moved you and you wish to donate to TycoonLine, please set up a direct debit to UKOK c/o Offshore Bank of Belize.

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