By Earth Yoor Anus, Our Astrology and Electrical Wiring Correspondent

As the year of destiny has now begun, I set out to consult the stars.

Starting with John Major's "established stars", who make Britain what it is in the modern world. I tried to contact the Beatles, but it turned out that half of them are still alive and, therefore, unavailable to me.

John and George did say that they were in a position to give me accurate future tips, but if only if I joined them 'on the other side' - "which will happen now, if you don't fu*k off."

As for Major's other examples, it turns out that Adele is still resentful of her Welsh father, who walked out on her and her Mum, so is somewhat less "British" in her feelings than Major would like.

One Direction are an even worse example. Turns out that they are a successful example of English and Irish musicians working successfully together without any need to be citizens of the same country.

I was privileged to be given a shottie of Glasgow Council's political prediction tool (the famous Weegie Board [1]) and was able to raise the greatest star in the firmament of the politically deceased - Wullie Rennie.

Wullie assured me that he had convened a panel of the illustrious dead and brain-dead to use their supernatural powers to ensure that certain things won't be allowed to happen in 2014.

Horrified by the U-KOK campaign being run by the living dead, the fully deceased have mounted a coup [2] to herd Scots from all parts - Highlands, Aberdeen Angus, Ayrshire, Galloway - into the UK OK corral.

The following have been arranged NOT to happen at any time before 18th September -

Scotland to have spells of good weather

Good weather makes people optimistic, so gales, blizzards, floods and drought will be the norm. (Actually, none of those need special arranging. They're bloody normal!)

Tories to lead in English opinion polls

All polling companies have agreed that in 2014, they will reverse their polls showing that the Labour lead in England is rapidly declining. Polls will, instead, show that there is no chance of England ever electing a Tory Government ever again.

Current Barnett Formula for Wales and Scotland to be equalised

That won't happen till October, when the Scottish block grant will be reduced to Welsh levels.

UKIP win May European elections in England

Regardless of the actual results, Returning Officers will not declare any UKIP candidates as becoming MEPs, since the prospect of the UK pulling out of the EU will persuade many Scots to vote Yes. (Recounts will be held on 19th September to ensure that England's MEPs are all UKIP, thus forcing the EU to throw the UK out, in disgust).

England proceed past the group stage of the World Cup

Since English football success would annoy the Scots, England will fail to win any of their group games. English cricketers have been successfully practising this strategy in Australia.

Glasgow Commonwealth Games to be a huge success

The Games will be moved to London after Glasgow Council declare all of the venues unsafe due to an outbreak of criminal behaviour in the car parks. An exhausted Councillor Matheson will say "It was worth it."

The media will be the best source of impartial referendum information ahead of the vote to break up Britain

They have that wrong. We will be. We promise. Honest. Goes without saying.

The Referendum result will be ..... 

Every time we asked that question, the needle swung to "Bugger Aff". It would seem that, in line with official UKOK media policy, even the dead refuse to report good news about separation.

[1] Readers are warned of the dangers of operating a Weegie Board. You may be transmogrified into a Labour Councillor.

[2] The Weegie Board kept spelling out COO. I prefer to think of this as poor spelling, as the literal interpretation of Wullie enjoying bestiality in Purgatory is too horiffic an image to present to our sensitive readers.

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