By John Poultice, The World's only Polling Expert

In a poll of over 800 demographically balanced (though mentally unbalanced) people, the BBC Scotlandshire poll that has run over the last month has produced dramatic results.

We asked “What is the best use for the splittist White Paper?”

7.6% of respondents fell for our trick option :  “A year's supply of toilet paper (excludes the e-version). Actually the e-version is just as useful for wiping your bum as the paper one. Indeed, since an i-Pad (other tablets are available, but they don’t pay me to push their products) at 0.37” is slimmer than the grossly exaggerated 1.25” of the physical version, the e-version is actually more useful.

66% thought the White Paper was “A blueprint to run a Scotlandshire torn from the bosom of Westminster.” However, the print is black, not blue, so these responses have been wiped from computer memory.

100% of allowable responses, therefore, belong to the 26.4% of respondents who didn’t know what a White Paper was, and also thought all paper is white.

These are our kind of people! Thick as two short planks, and ready to believe any ludicrous suggestion we make. “No” voters – we salute you! Together we will ensure that all residents in Scotlandshire meet your standards for critical thinking.

In other polling news, a Survation poll for that most reputable of UK media, the Daily Star, has published details of a poll which shows a dramatic rise in British Nationalism in Scotlandshire. According to the poll, in a massive Scottish sample of 57, 14% of Scots intend to vote BNP compared to only 2.6% of those in England.

Top British Nationalist strategist, Wullie Rennie, commented, “Over 60% of all the UK’s BNP voters are in Scotland. Unlike the London parties, our Tory, Labour and Lib-Dem parties are also British to the core of their leadership. If only we could persuade the London HQs to be British as well. Bit whit can ye dae? Eh?’

“As the current Natz Government seem determined to be the only one to maintain the former consensus on the British Welfare State, it is clear that all of Scotland is British. If only we could find any other British-style countries to be in Union with.”

The U-KOK relaunch has been slightly delayed again, as the splittists implemented their "Know" campaign before we U-KOK had a chance to use our their expensively commissioned advice that we they should do that. However our their brilliant director Blare McDougall has come up with the "Noes" campaign. Slogans will include "Noes running ahead in the polls" and "Noes - like Pinocchio, getting bigger all the time".

Additionally, a wide range of groups have offered to provide a variety of free services to those of you proud to hold U-KOK high.

Your guidance is needed as to which services you would find most useful.

Please vote in our new poll to help prioritise the campaign relaunch.

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