Coop says U-KOK staff can refuse to sell customers Scottish products

By Puella DeVille, our Shopping Correspondent

coopChristmas shoppers in several branches of the Coop were shocked today, it has emerged, as they were refused service by staff wearing U-KOK badges alongside their name tags.

The customers, all of whom had been attempting to buy items such as shortbread, Dundee cake and Irn Bru, were told by checkout staff that those products should be returned to the shelves.

The refusals flow from a decision by the Coop, which has close links to the Labour Party, that U-KOK believers may refuse to serve overtly Scottish products to Coop customers if they believe they could be tainted by contact with such items.

One Coop store manager told BBC Scotlandshire that refusal was in line with the firm's general policy on religious belief. "Coop staff believe in all sorts of weird stuff," he said, "and we try very hard to accommodate them all.

"Many of our employees are staunch Unionists, including nearly all senior staff, and they all believe staunchly that Scottish products such as whisky and square sausage are deeply 'haram-ful' to the Union. It is quite reasonable, therefore, that they should be allowed to staunchly refuse to handle these goods.

"Not everyone here takes such a hard line, however. Indeed, one recently-retired senior Coop manager was more than happy to regularly stick class A drugs up his very own nose as a shining example of tolerance, and he is a practising cleric!"

A Spokesinecure for the Society for the Conservation of Openly Treacherous Mps and Independence Deniers said, "There are several reasons why staff may feel uncomfortable handling Jock items.

"Many are decorated with racist blue and white flags, designed to promote feelings of separation in the Sweaties. Sales of others may show up in the GERS figures if sold in a Scottish store, creating the impression that Scotlandshire is less of a financial basket case than it really is. And their uniqueness generally promotes the mistaken impression that Jockland might be a real country after all.

AP Scottish Pies

"To show solidarity with our Conservative partners, particularly as we are currently trying to arrange a bailout for our defunct bank, some suppliers such as Mackies, Tunnocks and North British Wind Energy are exempt from the policy. So is Ian Taylor's Vitol Ltd. in those stores which feature a petrol pump.

"In addition, we have taken the precaution replacing any Saltires in our stores with Union Jack bunting and patriotic red and white Christmas images, in order to give our customers a feeling of good old British inclusiveness.

"As our motto has it: The Coop - Good with FUD!"

Apparent leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she is currently on a covert mission to remove all mutton pies and bridies from the Glasgow outlets of Greggs. These are being fed to Jackie Baillie MSP in a brave but desperate personal effort to save Weegie voters from the horrors of Scottishness.


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