By Owhita Day, Our Calendar Correspondent

The separatists were accused of gross disrespect to the memory of 33 American miners as they unveiled the date of Scotlandshire’s “independence day” in the unlikely event people in Scotlandshire are stupid enough to vote to run their own affairs.

The separatists named the day as 24th March 2016, a date which was immediately derided by all unionsts everywhere. Jeremy Hunt, the secretary of state for ill-health in England said, “for goodness sake, anyone who knows the UK civil service will know it takes them longer to order paper clips than 18 months!

"That’s why some of us have to resort to desperate measures such as buying one ourselves and putting it on expenses. If Salmond thinks they’ll negotiate Scottish separation in that time he is deluded.”

However the date also created outrage from descendents of the 17 miners who died in an explosion in their mine in Sopris, Connecticut, USA in 1922, and the 16 who died in a similar explosion in Lumberport, West Virginia, USA in 1944.

BBC Scotlandshire tracked down one of them, a 43 year old woman from Scotlandshire who’s great uncle twice removed – a Scottish emigrant to the new world in 1903 - is believed to have been killed in one of the disasters.

“It’s a disgrace,” said the woman, who works as a communications officer for the Labour party in Scotlandshire. “The 24th March is a sombre date, a day of mourning for people in Sopris and Lumberport and for miners the world over. Class solidarity and solidarity with workers goes across borders, even where people are foreigners. Er…no wait, foreigners are bad and we’ll all be foreigners next year if…hold on, I’ll check today’s script and get back to you.”

In a further blow to the splittists the date is also one which will alienate every Mormon in Scotlandshire. Newly formed just after the date was announced, the “Scots Mormons in commemoration of Joseph Smith” group sent a press release to BBC Scotlandshire from their Millbank offices, condemning the date in the strongest possible terms.

“All Mormons will be aware this was the date on which our prophet and leader, Joseph Smith was beaten, tarred and feathered in Jackson County, Missouri. For Alex Salmond not to have paid heed to this day and to ask of Scotlandshire’s Mormons that we should potentially celebrate is insulting and insensitive.”

However, Professor Justin Firbalance an expert in constitutional history at the university of Edinburgh welcomed the date. “Obviously we all feel for those poor miners, and for anyone who has the misfortune to be tarred and feathered, however this date is also the date of the Union of Crowns between Scotland [sic: Ed, this happened before the shire was added so do we need the sic?] and England. In that I think the separatists have perhaps been quite clever. It means those of us who always have a toast to the Union of the Crowns and our beloved Queen on the 24th of March will now be able to join together with the separatist revellers celebrating the end of the political union. It could prove to be a date that truly brings the people of Scotlandshire together.”

Secretary of State for damaging Scotlandshire, Michael Carmichaelmoore said, “Oh for God sake don’t listen to that crusty old fool. He sounds as Utopian as those radical independence tree-hugging socialist types we were subjected to at the weekend. There can be no coming together and no unity in Scotlandshire until everyone votes no and learns to accept that what we have now is the best it’s going to get so they’d better just learn to like it.”

Alistair Darling, head of the Better Together campaign and noted expert in British popular music said, “I note if you go back to the 24th March 1978, the date also coincides with the release of With a Little Luck by ex Rolling Stone drummer Paul McCartney and his group Wings (not over Scotland).

"This is a fantastic piece of music and I remember it well, and I am distraught that it will no longer be “ours” if we vote for separation.

"However I also believe it to be very apt, as it neatly sums up Salmond’s White Paper: With a little luck, we can help it out, we can make this whole damn thing work out. I have no idea why the separatists felt they required 170,000 words to say that.”

A spokesnat for splittist group Yes Scotlandshire said, "Given the fundamental difference in attitude shown by the British and Scottish governments towards the invasion of other people's oil-rich lands, it might be appropriate to name the 670 page document as 'War and Peace'.

 Related Articles

Sunday Herald : Independence day will be March 24th 2016 if we vote yes, says Sturgeon

Daily Record : Anger as millionaire health secretary Jeremy Hunt claims 5p for paperclip and 8p page marker on expenses

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