STV uses US software to make liars of Labour

By Nat Butcher our Political Correspondent

stvThe SNP have attempted to justify the blatant lies told by the First Minister in an old interview with brave BBC Scotlandshire presenter Andrew Neil (sponsored by Brillo).

On rival channel STV's flagship news program, Scoatlandshire The Nicht, The SNP's mendacity spokesman Jaimie Hepburn MSP, debated blatant untruths with Labour's spokesumo Jackie Baillie MSP. Safety fears concerning undergarment ignition led to Ms Baillie taking part by video link from an Edinburgh fire station.

While Baillie was consistent in branding Mr Salmond a "bare faced liar", Mr Hepburn contrived to argue that this was untrue on the basis that the First Minister had been selectively quoted in what he described as "a very nasty press release from Paul Martin".

Hepburn insisted that a transcript of Mr Salmond's answers to the insightful, and not at all balding, Andrew Neil, had been processed through a piece of software called 'Notion Builder', which the pro-servitude 'Better Bitter the Gither' project had purchased from Mitt Romney's campaign managers.

This software is used to automatically derive the optimum desired meaning from any piece of text, by careful removal of key phrases, using a method known as Logic Alteration By Objectionable Utterance Redaction or LABOUR. The resulting text stream is then passed through a filter known as Automatic Recursive Substitution of Ellipsis or ARSE.

glass-kittenMr Hepburn argued:

"You know, we could all selectively quote from a variety of comments. I could probably selectively quote from comments made by Jackie Baillie to prove she boils kittens alive and eats them for tea. I don't know whether that's true or not. Only Jackie can tell us whether that's true or not."

Ms Baillie ignored this outburst and stated:

"We now discover that what we've had from the SNP is simply baseless assertion. None of this is based on fact. None of it is based on legal advice.

"So actually, we don't believe that there will be automatic entry to the European Union. We think that's a matter for negotiation. And actually the SNP can't even tell us whether we'll be members of the Euro or no.

"Frankly after today's performance, the First Minister is guilty of fantasy politics and not telling the Scottish people the truth."

After the programme, STV management commissioned an experiment where Ms Baillie's final remarks were passed through LABOUR|ARSE filter, in what appeared to be an attempt to examine the truth of Mr Hepburn's case.

The updated statements from Ms Baillie, which emerged from LABOUR|ARSE, were as follows:

"We now discover that what we've had from the SNP is...based on fact...on legal advice."

"So actually, we...believe that there will be automatic entry to the European Union. We think that's a matter for...the SNP...whether we'll be members...or not."

"Frankly after today's performance, the First Minister is...telling the Scottish people the truth."

Clearly, Mr Hepburn was wrong about Ms Baillie's eating preferences, and by extension, misguided and wrong about everything else as well.

kittensBBC Scotlandshire contacted Labour's Ian Davidson MP, who is chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee examining Sources of Lying Anti-independence Bollocks, Solely Comprised of Unionist Members, and asked his opinion:

"If youse c*unts want ta know anyhin aboot liein', then Big Jackie's yur man, aw right. She tells some f*cking beauties in that wee pretend parly in Embru, and gets away wi it ivry time an aw.

"Mind you, aw the Scoattish press is oan oor side, so that helps. If she ever hud tae justify any ay the shite she spouts, she'd be in it up tae her neck. If she hud wan, that is."

Grand Master of the now defunct Scottish Social Democ-rats, oor Wullie Rennie, was missing as he had been on telly the night before to say "But hey, whit can you do, eh?"

Leader of Labour in Scotland Johann Lamont was unavailable to comment, as STV had borrowed the LABOUR|ARSE and she was consequently unable to speak through it for once.


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