Cybernat attack on BBC poll

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By Nat Hunter, Our Chief Political Correspondent

Trick question weeds out separatists

An exclusive survey carried out on behalf of BBC Scotlandshire was the subject of sabotage, it emerged last night.

The poll, jointly commissioned by YouGuff and your uber-balanced state broadcaster, asked real Scots everywhere their views on next years’ separation referendum and adjoining issues such as oil, defence and the positive case for the Union.

The likelihood of a co-ordinated Cybernat attack became apparent as soon as the first results came in.

 Should Scotlandshire be a separate country? 

  • Yes 94%
  • No  6% 

Prof John Poultice, the world's only polling expert, was flabberghasted by the outcome.

“I applaud BBC Scotlandshire for being the first to issue a straight yes/no question rather than lump in a ‘don’t know’ option, but clearly their distribution method had major flaws,” said Prof Poultice.

“The statistic tables haven’t all been released yet, but I do know that SurveyMonkey played a part in creation of the poll. So I’m surprised by the clear sabotage because SurveyMonkey is the best polling tool there is, and I should know.”

Due to the sheer number of Cybernats running rampant online (and even offline – our sports reporter saw some the other day at a rugby game, wearing Saltires like maniacs), the second question in the BBC poll was used to “weed out” those with splittist tendencies.

 In order to gauge your political views, please tell us who you think was the best James Bond.  

  • Sean Connery 71%
  • George Lazenby 0%
  • Roger Moore 4%
  • Timothy Dalton 3%
  • Pierce Brosnan 6%
  • Daniel Craig 16%

Prof Poultice applauded the insertion of the question in the wide-ranging survey.

“It is important to get a base of political inclinations in any poll and with this, BBC Scotlandshire uses an unobtrusive way to find out just how many respondents are, for want of better words, loyal unionists or dirty separatists.

“The huge numbers in support for Sean Connery immediately raises the alarm. In fact, three of the six possible answers lean to splitism, being that Brosnan was born in Ireland and Lazenby is an Aussie. In conclusion, the majority of people taking part are, according to Gerald Warner, suffering from mental health issues.

“It doesn’t mean we should reject the entire poll, far from it, but readers should just be aware that polls are not accurate unless Better Together is promoting them.”

The rejection of the English actors, the only loyal and true Bonds by birthright, reflects the splittist hatred of all things English.

As Blair MacDougall, U-KOK head, recently said: "Dictator Eck only wants to debate David Cameron to make this an anti-English thing."

The survey, which asked 10 questions on subjects ranging from North Sea oil to chocolate biscuits, follows in the footsteps of almost-weekly polls being produced by the likes of IPSOS Mori, Lord Ashcroft and "Rev" Campbell of the Church of Splitology.

Secretary of State for Portsmouth, Ally Crymichaelmoore, said: "Alex Salmond has several things in common with James Bond - he's a secret agent, secretly plotting against the people of this region; he loves jet-setting around the world on expenses; and he absolutely thrives on screwing people left, right and centre.

"He is a disgrace and I have a right mind to go to Rona Dougall about it. Rona! Rona? Can you help me here? Pretty please?" 

 


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