I-FFS : The accuracy of an acronym

By Penny PincherOur Economical (with truth) Correspondent

i-ffs coverThe totally co-incidental publication of the I-FFS paper, immediately prior to the Natz paper on its bawbee prospects, confirms that Scotlandshire is too wee and too poor to split from London That has delighted real Scots like Alastair Darling and Anas Sarwar.

Correctly they point out that if a Scotlandshire, split from benificent London, continues to follow London policies for the next 50 years, then the cuts in services and rise in taxes in Scotlandshire will be greater than those faced by those in London.

50 years ago, in the 1960s, loyal Unionists pointed out that nothing known then could result in anything else other than Scots being plunged into even deeper poverty. Unionists know exactly as much now as we did 50 years ago!

We were right then. Nothing has changed in the last 50 years, and nothing will change in the next 50 either. London has always ensured that that is the case.

Dr Who is exactly the same now as it was when it first launched 50 years ago, as we will all see on Saturday.

The I-FFS report uses exactly the same methodology as the Ogres of British Recession (OBR) use, and say "Our basic model assumes that the latest OBR forecasts (March 2013) for spending and revenues for the UK as a whole up to 2017–18 are correct", but magically (and very impressively!) have produced a much more optimistic forecast of the level of cuts/tax rises needed in the UK than the OBR itself does.

However, a study of the I-FFS graphic of monetrary distribution (above) indicates that this is most certainly based on an incorporation of the Isle of Man and the Republic of Ireland into the UK. Additionally, they may have enhanced UK revenue by the quantity of crack cocaine apparently purchased by UK bankers.

For Scotlandshire, however, it sensibly suggests doom, doom, and more doom. The I-FFS estimate that, to reduce a splittist Scotlandshire's debt level to manageable levels by 2063 would require £6 billion of cuts or tax rises (the prospect of such figures being offset by growth rates higher than the UK is so laughable, that is wisely relegated to a marginal mention).

U-KOK leaders lined up to highlight those bits of the I-FFS press release that they had read.

Alastair Darling, U-KOK head, angrily (we're not sure why) denounced any suggestion that he had played a major role in creating the shit-hole that the UK has become, according to I-FFS. "Look! Look", he said, "That had nothing to do with me! A big boy done it and ran away! Anyway does anyone believe that it's possible for Scotlandshire to make £1 billion a year savings in the Defence Budget, and still provide appropriate defence for Scotland? How can any country defend itself without Trident missiles to fire at the major cities of potential enemies? It was our nuclear missiles that won the Falklands War!"

city-of-londonDanny Alexander, Chief Stenographer at the UK Treasury, was upbeat at the report. "I'm a top expert on oil", he said. "When we first came to power, I was the one who came up with the brilliant idea of changing the North Sea tax regime, to make the exploitation of mature fields wholly uneconomic. Thus I fulfilled the Green demand that we have to keep lots of the oil in the ground. I will admit that I didn't understand that they meant new fields should remain unexploited.

"Anyway, I managed to ensure that revenues from the North Sea plunged, so that the OBR were happy to reduce their estimates of the future revenue to a level lower than any other source - well except for Alastair, of course, who is convinced that the oil will run out sometime next year. He may have been referring to the oil tank for his country mansion, I suppose.

"It is certain, though, that I know far more than Sir Ian Wood who says that Scotlandshire would gain an additional £9 billion a year from oil if Westminster stopped buggering the industry around. What does he know? Did he ever work for a National Park?"

Wee Wullie Rennie squealed, " Eh? Oooh! Aye! Danny's goat that right. Woods only said that aboot oil for the next 20 years. Efter that we'd hae nothin' and not a single country has found a way to invest that cash for the future! UK is OK. If it's lyin aroon, spend it on the polytishuns. Bugger the weans ..." (For some reason, an aide seized Rennie's microphone at that point, and buried it down his throat).

Ruth Davidson, Tory leaderene in Scotlandshire ridiculed the idea that had Scotlandshire been independent, then it wouldn't have incurred such a ridiculous debt level in the first place.  "The whole point is that Scots were persuaded to vote Labour, which meant that either we, or our New Labour partners, have been in power in London. You bought into the 'London knows best' and allowed my pals to rip you guys off. 'Tough tittie' as we used to say in the Territorials."

Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment (she was polishing her master debating award), Anas Sarwar had not yet returned from Pakistan, and Jim Murphy was too busy feeding middle class families in Eastwood from his foodbank. However, a SLAB spokesbot said that the I-FFS had a reputation as an independent commentator, it spoke for them, and that the identification of the I-FFS as a neo-liberal front simply meant that they were a mainstream organisation within the Labour fold.


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