Salmond slammed as “a fool” over Greggs promise
By Bunny Baker, Our Farinaceous Correspondent
Unionist politicians last week lined up to show Alex Salmond up for the “fool” he is after he asserted Scots would definitely still be able to enjoy Gregg’s sausage rolls, pasties and pies after separation.
He had been challenged on the question on a walk-about of Dundee when a union leader shouted a question from the crowd, asking if Salmond could “guarantee” Scots would still be able to buy Gregg’s sausage rolls if Scots were stupid enough to vote to separate from the UK.
In his typical arrogant and smug way the SNP and separatist leader simply laughed and said, “What a daft question. Of course you will!”
However unionist leaders queued up to pour scorn on his response. “It beggars belief,” said Murdo McLeod, failed leadership candidate for the Tories in Scotlandshire. “No one other than the head of Greggs can ‘guarantee’ Scots will still be able to enjoy the tasty pastries produced by that company. They may decide to pull out of Scotlandshire altogether, or change their ingredients so everything north of Hadrian’s will tastes shit, or decide to become a salad bar only. Or they may even go bust.” Labour’s de facto leader in Scotlandshre, Anas Sarwar, speaking from Pakistan, said, “It is typical of the deluded mindset of the Nat that Salmond feels able to speak for a business in Scotlandshire and give a promise he cannot possibly hope to guarantee.”
The pressure was piled on the Nationalist leader even further when one of his own advisors agreed with the unionists that, “of course no one can guarantee Greggs will still exist and still serve sausage rolls between now and the date Scotland [sic] becomes independent.” He went on to try and cover for his boss’s embarrassment by obfuscating that, “what he really meant was that independence itself would not be the catalyst for that happening. The UK government cannot prevent Scotland [sick] from having Greggs, much as they’d love to be able to.”
BBC Scotlandshire approached Gregg’s to ask for confirmation that they would put no investment into a potentially separate Scotlandshire. The person on the other end of the phone just screamed "Read the fu*king press release" and slammed the phone down.
Secretary of State for Scotlandshire and Portsmouth, Alistair Carmichalemoore said, “We have asked Greggs for a comment. The UK government at highest level has been demanding to know why they will not speak out about the question of separation for Scotlandshire and whether they will refuse to serve sausage rolls and steak bakes in a separate Scotlandshire. However, despite even sending round our heavies in black with baseball bats, they are refusing to take a yes or no position or say for definite that they will veto Scotlandshire having Greggs products. After everything the UK government has done for them and can do for them further in the event of a no vote, we feel this position makes no reasonable sense. And we can only surmise that they are being leant on heavily, bullied and silenced by the evil Nats.”
At First Minister’s Questions, Labour’s pretendy leader, Johann Lamont ramped up the pressure yet again, demanding that the separatists set out their Plan B for what happens in the event that Scotlandshire is not allowed to have Greggs. “It is vital,” she said, “that people in Scotlandshire, and the UK government negotiation team, understand what will happen if Greggs isn’t able to operate in a separate Scotlandshire.”
Once again, the great dictator re-iterated, in a most intimidatory fashion, that Greggs “would” continue to operate. Tory leader Ruth Davidson then asked him what exactly the range of Gregg’s products would be in a separate Scotlandshire and what price a macaroni pie would be.
Questions which left the separatist leader floundering.
We are, therefore left to imagine a future in which Greggs is forced into continuing by the dictatorial, intimidation of the nationalists, but remains as merely a shell, empty shelves with no sausage rolls, steak bakes, cheese and bacon turnovers or even sandwiches. UKOK head Blair McDougall said, “it is clear if you want to keep Greggs and its range of products you must vote NO.
"The separatists cannot tell us what Gregg’s product range – or indeed the product range of any company – will be if Scots vote to separate next year.
The American economist and sometime Nobel Prize winner Joseph Stiglitz, who helped write the Scotlandshire government’s economic framework document said, “To be honest, I really don’t get the argument. Why on earth would a company pull out because the governance has changed? And in any case, how can anyone eat a sausage roll with that much grease in it? It ruined my Armani suit when the Scottish government served them at a Fiscal Commission meeting.”
Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Girding Reluctant Englandshire-ers Against Separatist Eejits said, “Aye well whit wid he ken? Fu*kin’ Yank bastirt. A'body oan the Better Thegithir side is sayin’ thur’s nae guarantee Gregg’s will continue in Scotlandshire in 2016 an’ nae daftie economist kin say itherwise an’ if he appears afore oor committee we’ll grill him oan whither he kin say fir certain Greggs will still be there an’ still serving sausage rolls in 2016. And ye kin whit? He wullnae be able tae truthfully say aye!”
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