Conetroversy as Glasgae statue retains iconic look

Cone-gate scandal begs the question ‘why the fu*k is there a statue of Wellington in Glasgow anyway?’

By Cone An' Doyle, Our Investigative Team

coneVarious cyber-groups were claiming victory last night as a scheme to remove an expensive cone from the top of a statue was put on the back-burner due to popular demand.

Proposals by Glasgow City Conecil to revamp the monument and raise the size of the plinth it sits on had been put forward by conecillor Rachel Smith in an attempt to ‘reduce the incidence of vandalism’.

The proposals were only ditched after the cone itself took to Twitter to conedemn the decision.

For years, the A-listed statue has been the target of students and revellers who climb the plinth to place a traffic cone on the monument, which is outside the city’s Gallery of Modern Art.

But conecillors said it costs £100 each time to remove the cone and added that the frequency is estimated at around 100 times a year, meaning the removal costs for the conecil is an estimated £10,000 a year - £100,000 using Unionist Scale.

The cone Tweeted: “Save me...email Rachel Smith at GCC - the council employee trying to get me taken down - I'm YOUR CONE TOO GLASGOW!!”

It also gave suggestions to the council, saying: “If anything I should be bronzed and made a permanent feature…this would discourage vandals.”

The potential for removal of the cone upset people not in Glasgow, but in the social media world.

Aberdeen conestruction worker Daniel Douglas said: “I don't conedone vandalism, but I cone not believe that the conecil are conesidering wasting money raising the statue. Total conetempt for Glasgow.”

Edinburgh-based parliament researcher Lynne Currie tweeted: “For a while there was a real conecern that tradition would not conetinue.”

Comedian Ed Byrne, when asked about the incident on the Conen O’Brien Show, said: “I still remember the first morning I saw the cone on his head, and the horse's head as well. Man, I laughed.”

MP for Linlithgow and East Falkirk, Michael Conearty, said: “I coney believe it!”

Shoppers in Glasgow city centre, however, were bemused by the whole thing.

Morag Conners said: “I just don’t know why it’s Wellington that gets all the attention from these vandals, and not the other statues. You never see a cone on the Barbarian, for example.”

Jimmy Spence said: “A hundred quid a time? Fu*kin’ cone-artists!”

As ever, splittist group Hippies For Separation hijacked the story, calling for a cone party to take place tonight at the statue. The event, which was originally a protest against the plinth-raising plans, will now be in tribute to what now seems to be the only tourist attraction in Scotlandshire.

A spokeshippie said last night: “We go to sleep conetent with the sensible decision from the conecil to keep a Glasgow icone intact. This is what the Glaswegians wanted and needed, because the internet told them so.

“After all, you know what they say – here today, cone tomorrow.”

Playwright and hippy associate ‘Pretty Boy’ Alan Bisset will “perform” a “song” at the cone party. Ignoring embargo rules in order to rain on his parade, BBC Scotlandshire has published the entire thing below.

The Dean o’ Westminster was a powerful man
He held a’ the strings o’ the State in his hand
But wi’ a’ his great business it flustered him none
When some rogues ran away wi’ his wee magic Cone
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

The Cone had great powers that could dae sic a thing
That withoot it it seemed we’d be wantin’ a king
So he sent for the polis and made this decree
Go hunt oot the Cone and return it tae me
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

So the polis went beetlin’ away up tae the North
They hunted the Clyde and they hunted the Forth
But the wild folk up yonder just kidded them a’
For they didnae believe it was magic at a’
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

Noo the Leader o’ Glesca, in a cawr “a’ alone”
Wis awfy put oot when he heard o’ the Cone
So he looked at the statue outside the GOMA
An he saw that the Cone reachit up tae the stawrs
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

When the Dean o’ Westminster wi’ this was acquaint
He sent up for Matheson and made him a saint
But it’s no good you raising the size of your plinth
Said the Dean, But it adds to the Brit labyrinth
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

So they processed some plastic o’ the very same stuff
And they dressed it all up till it looked like enough
Then he sent for the press and announced that the Cone
Had been found and returned tae Westminster again
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

But the cream o’ the joke still remains tae be telt
For the bloke that wis turnin’ them aff on the belt
At the peak o’ production was so sorely pressed
That the real yin got bunged in alang wi’ the rest
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay

So if ever ye cam’ on a cone on a Duke
Just climb on richt up there and gie it a sook
There’s nane will be able tae challenge yer right
Tae be Leader o’ Glesca’ an’ a richt little shite
Wi’ a too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay.

 


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