By Nayfur Invessles, our Defence Procurement Correspondent

MoD contract needs 'Geeza Break clause', says Chairchoob

"If ah'm fur the chop, youse ur aw fur the chop", claims self-serving, baldy, wee wanker

A Scottish Labour MP has called for thousands of his own constituents to be sacked if Scots vote in favour of self-determination next year.

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Avoiding Westminster Edict's End by Scaremongering, Hoodwinking, Invention, Treachery and Equivocation, has called for the immediate compulsory redundancy of shipyard workers in his Govan constituency, if Scots vote for separation in 2014.

The move would see P45s being sent to thousands of his constituents in the run up to Christmas next year, causing untold misery for workers and their families, and for many thousands of others whose livelihoods depend on the yards.

Speaking earlier on this channel, Mr Davidson justified his call for mass redundancies, saying, "Shipbuildin' is wan ay Scoatlandshire's maist important industries, an' hus a long and proud history oan the Clyde. But some things ur mair important than hunners ay years ay history or thoosins ay joabs.

"A'm talkin aboot ma ain joab as a Slab MP an' chairchoob. Like the song says, 'A hunner grand a year buys an awfy lot ay beer'. An that's wi expenses oan top, mind you. Ahm no aboot tae gie that up in a hurry.

"So, if Scoatlandshire votes Yes and kills aff ma career, - afore ah've even goat ma ermine fur services rendirt - ah'm gonnae send the voters ay Govan a wee message ay ma ain, wan ma chinas in the GMB wull recognise:

"Wan oot, aw oot!"

"If ah'm fur the chop, youse ur aw fur the chop an' aw. Ah'm askin' the MoD tae pit a special clause in the contract fur the type 26 frigates that says it's only valid while ah get tae keep ma joab. Ah call it a 'break clause' forbye it'll gie every bugger in Govan a nice long break - fae joabs, salaries, food and everythin' else.

"A've loast an awfy loat since ah became a Govan MP. Furst ah loast ma socialist principles, then ma integrity and finally aw ma hair. Ahm no gonnae lose ma salary and expenses an aw. So youse loat better vote Naw or ah'll make sure youse aw get a right doin, so ah will. Youse Weegie voters gie me the dry boak!

"An' ma plan his the full backin' ay the GMB union. They announced thur poalicy last week, and they'll start consultin'. their members oan it aroon' the end ay next year."

Newly-minted Secretary of State against Scotlandshire Alistair Carmichaelmoore agreed with Mr Davidson. In a meeting with Portsmouth workers today, he said, "People of Portsmouth, I pledge to do everything in my power to bring shipbuilding back to you if my countrymen vote Yes. For you are my people and I serve your wishes.

"Not only am I Westminster's man in Scotlandshire, but I am also Portsmouth's man in Westminster. You can rely on me to always put your needs ahead of all others'."

Commenting, a spokesnat for Yes Scotland said, "The solution for Govan is diversification. The Clyde shipyards need to start building commercial shipping and Ian Davidson needs to retire to a life of reclining. That will solve everyone's problems.

"Scottish shipbuilding has been in decline under successive governments for at least fifty years, and all of that on Westminster's watch. That's what is referred to as a union benefit!"

Inconspicuous leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont said she was far too busy to comment on Ian Davidson's rants, before immediately denying she had ever said any such thing.

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