Salmond to star in his own computer game

 First Minister’s ego reaches ludicrous peak

By Alex KiddOur Videogame geek

video-games-realityThe First Minister of Scotlandshire was accused of taking his supposed popularity too far after it emerged he is to star in a new videogame from the creators of the highest-selling series of all time.

Rockstar Games, who everyone knows are the American masterminds behind the likes of Grand Theft Auto 3, Grand Theft Auto 4 and Grand Theft Auto 5, are working on a game set in Scotlandshire.

The Negotiators will be an open-world sandbox third-person role-playing racing puzzle platform strategy shooter campaign-em-up, in which the player is tasked with preventing Scotlandshire being reduced to a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

The intro sequence, leaked to the internet this week, sees a co-ordinated Cybernat fact-flinging attack cause a majority Yes vote in the Scotlandshire independence referendum in 2014.

All hell breaks loose, and it’s down to those in power to negotiate the best way forward for all concerned.

Rockstar’s European director Miles Prower said: “The twist is that we have two groups, or gangs, actually wanting the same result but they have to compete against each other to negotiate a settlement. The player can control either the Nationalists or the Unionists, each path opening up its own storylines and special moves.”

Recent Rockstar offerings have taken the best from previous games in order to improve with each release, and The Negotiators is no exception.

“We adapt the Red Dead Redemption ‘honor and fame’ system,” explained Prower. “Your reputation in the game world will change depending on whether you genuinely do what’s best for your country, or aim to do whatever it takes to keep your job and lavish expenses deal.

“We also upgrade the ‘heist’ missions from GTAV, in order to create five increasingly-hostile asset and treaty negotiation meetings with the opposing team. The player must lead a cross-party team of politicians and lawyers and plan their tactics by buying intimidating guns, or fancy cars in order to make a stylish getaway after ripping the opposition off.

“Success or failure in these missions can hinge on remembering to have enough ink in your pen when signing away Faslane for annexation. It’s exciting stuff.”

Unionists were up in arms upon hearing the First Minister demanded to be animated for a computer game.

pacmanTory Cheerleader Ruth Davidson said: “He can’t leave anything alone, can he? Not only is Alex Salmond obsessed with separation in the real world, but now it seems things are the same in the fantasy world of computer games.

“The only game the First Minister would be suited to is Pac-Man. Because he probably eats a lot. And it’s the only game I know about.”

Labour’s Jim Murphy weighed in on the storm via Twitter, saying: “Eck thinks everything is a big game. He should be concentrating on helping those in need, by opening lots more food banks for example.”

Willie Rennie of the Lib Dems said: “I heard that, just like in GTAV, you can go and play golf when the going gets tough. I suppose since Alex Salmond is involved, that’s as realistic as gaming gets.”

The No campaign also made their feelings known.

“I can’t think of a single person on Earth who would make a more insanely boring computer game character,” said Alistair Darling, U-KOK head.

Videogame reviewer Rev Stuart Campbell – unrelated to cyberbastard Rev Stuart Campbell, our expert research department tells us – does not hold up high hopes for the game upon release.

Campbell said: “The Negotiators will be a Steam-only release, meaning almost nobody but nerdy PC gamers will get to even play it. The rest of us will have to try and understand a 259-step process in order to download the game, which includes entering personal info and ticking boxes that don’t actually exist.

“I believe the system is based on Better Together event attendance forms.”

Several supposed cheat codes for The Negotiators have already appeared on gaming blogs. CursemyMP.com posted that entering the word ‘Darling’ will make your character a foot smaller, deletes all his cash and reduces his IQ by 50%. Similarly the gamers' union, Gamers Massacre Bosses (GMB), has published the rumour that entering the word ‘UKOK’ causes massive oil wealth to become a troublesome burden on the economy during the game. Further such releases are expected every day for the next 11 months.

There is also expected to be an EU expansion pack, in which your team has to travel to Brussels and resort to begging in order to re-join the European Union.

When asked at what point Alex Salmond appears as a character, Rockstar’s Vice President of Creativity, Dr. Ivo Kintobor, clarified: “Eh? He’s not in this game at all. All the characters are fictional.

“I’d be very surprised if you can concoct a ‘Salmond accused’ headline out of this, you rascals.”


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