Words sucked into, and spat out of, Black Hole

By Wurdz FalemieOur Miscommunications Correspondent

ixpPoliticians from across the political spectrum have welcomed the announcement that a new Internet Exchange Point (IXP) is to be provided for Scotlandshire.

Currently, all internet connections are routed through London, and that means that they are frequently mangled as they pass through the Black Hole on the Scottish-English border.

English politicians who bravely venture to the northernmost frontier of the Empire inevitably find that the cogent arguments against splittism, that Whitehall Civil Servants provide them with, turn into incoherent mush as their script is sent through the Alnwick/Roxburgh/Selkirk/Ettrick Gap known as the ARSEhole.

It is wholly unacceptable for our leaders to be subjected to the consequent ridicule. For example, Alex Massie in the Spectator fails to understand the technical reasons.

He writes, “It is a good thing that government ministers come to Scotland sometimes. It is a bad thing that they insist on opening their mouths when they do. Earlier this year we endured the spectacle of Philip Hammond making an arse of himself; today it has been Theresa May’s turn to make one wish cabinet ministers would, just occasionally, contemplate the virtue of silence.”

uj shoesMay (who transmogrifies into Maynot as she crosses the border) said, "This is a worrying development. Scotlandshire would be classed as a pariah state if we cannot monitor all the Internet traffic of its citizens. Don't even get me started on such a state having nuclear weapons of mass destruction - well we may be looking at sanctions and invasion to take down a dictator."

Even former Prime Ministers are affected. Appearing on Qatar TV at an educational summit on educating the world's disadvantaged children, Gordon Brown was introduced as "a politician", but insisted that he was an "ex-politician". When told that he was still MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, Brown was clearly astonished.

An aide later explained, "Gordon was fairly sure that he had fought an election in 2010, but everyone said he had lost, so he only went to Westminster to submit his expenses. Then in 2011, he saw an item on the internet saying that David Torrance now represented Kirkcaldy in Parliament, and that confirmed it."

Asked whether Brown hadn't noticed the £175,000 salary and expenses that kept on coming into his bank account, the aide said, "Do you notice the odd penny or two difference in your accounts? Gordon makes so many millions from other engagements that he wouldn't notice such trifling amounts. To be honest, he never did understand much about finances anyway."

However, John Swinney the Scotlandshire Finance Secretay explained that the new IXP facility would make no difference to those situations. "It simply means", he said, "that communications within Scotland won't be corrupted either in the black hole on the border, or more commonly in the black hole that is London.

"For example, when Blare McDougall said that 'the Barnett Formula will be here for 30-40 years more', [1] he must have had a positive response from all the London parties - otherwise he would just be lying. Actually, the response was mangled in the Black Hole. London's answer to him was actually 'Don't be stupid. The Scottish Block Grant will be cut back straight after a No vote'."

Asked how he knew that, Swinney responded, "Well, of course, we were told by the NSA in Washington. They find the UK as useful cover for their attacks on other countries, but what they desperately need is to guarantee a continuing supply of Scotch."

jola witchWhile Joanne La-Mont was unavailable for comment, a spokesbot said that, thus far, she had been given no briefing from Labour HQ in London as to what "Jolly JoLa" thought about it.

"Well, actually, they might have done. Currently I don't know if their messages have been corrupted by the black hole, or are simply shite. 

"I need to defend her on the 'Somefin for nuffin' thing, though. She did think she had followed Milliband's instructions and said precisely that. However, when she checked the SLAB website, it turned out that she'd said nothing of the sort.

"Her denial, on SundayPolitics - Scotlandshire, that she hadn't said anything like that, wasn't her lying - just a remarkably poor memory for irrelevant crap like evidence.

"At Scottish Labour, we prefer a more imaginative approach to politics. Our politics is based on our own reality where Glinda, the Good Witch of the North soon arrives and tells JoLa that she can still return home to power by clapping her red ruby heels together three times and repeating 'there is no place like home'. We are simply waiting for Glinda to arrive.

"Glinda's magic wand will persuade the Scotlandshire Munchkins that it was really Salmond and not Jola who disappeared from sight for two weeks during the Grangemouth dispute. We are pinning our futures on that happening"

[1] The Good Blair's remarkable ability to predict the result of the referendum and the attitudes of George Osborne and his eight successors can be found HERE.


Related Articles

Newsnet Scotland[shire] spit! : Council Tax and 'Something for nothing' denial pile pressure on Lamont


Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.


 
Our Other Biased Articles

complaint

What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.