By John Poultice, The world's only polling analyst

We asked you how many seditious rebels went to Calton Hill last month. Understandably, you found that difficult to answer.

Unless you were in Edinburgh at the time you can’t know, since the event was, wisely, not covered on TV.

Naturally, most of the responses therefore came from locals, or visiting tourists. Few of our readers would have been on the rally, so the results require a significant level of explanation.

Only 1.2% of you agreed with Duncan Hothersall that “around 20,000” was the likely figure. We had expected the view of a prominent Labour Unionist to have received more support, but it turned out that nobody had ever heard of him. Sorry about that, Dunc!

More people had heard of Police Scotland, but only 2.4% believed their figures.

It isn’t clear whether this was because you think that the police are now just an arm of the dictatorial Nat government, or whether you were incredulous that only 27% of the marchers buggered off to the pub, instead of going to the rally. Given that all Natz are drunken layabouts getting “something for nothing”, that figure does seem remarkably low.

4.6% of respondents agreed with the Daily Telegraph’s assessment that this was a rally by “some hate-filled racists”. That equates to 30 individuals – which is exactly double the number of Telegraph readers in Scotlandshire. The other 15 people seem to share a common cludgie in Cambuslang, although it is unclear how the Telegraph became their paper of choice.

BBC London’s bafflement as to what the question was about was shared by 25.8% of you. We are delighted to see that Derek Bateman has destroyed the myth that there is a conspiracy against splittism in the BBC. As he points out, it’s simply that if it can’t be seen in London, we can’t see it either.

Marginally more, 28.5%, thought the Yes campaign’s count of 20,000 was correct because the stewards were using counter clickers. This shows a remarkable naïveté as to how the Natz manipulate numbers. The cumulative total of 141.421 stewards, all using their counters to count each other (before buggering off to the pub) produces that farcical 20,000 figure.

More difficult to explain (though I’ll find a way Mr Bossyman, Sir) is that 37.5% believed Nicola Sturgeon’s figure of 30,000.

We resurveyed the 247 people who had treacherously selected that response. When it was pointed out that the Coalition Government / Daily Mail intended to remove benefits such as JobSeekers Allowance, State Pensions, Health Care, and Life itself from those who “hate Britain”, 240 agreed that they had clicked the wrong button, and they meant to select the Daily Telegraph or BBC London options.

Two Edinburgh matrons insisted that they had been obstructed in their excursion to Harvey Nick’s by “thousands of the buggers”, but agreed that they might have been thinking of Hibs supporters.

The remaining 5 have been invited to a meeting (at our expense) at BBC Scotlandshire HQ to discuss their responses. Their taxi passed / will pass through the Clyde Tunnel, where a tragic accident has taken / will take place, and in which no SAS operative will have been / be involved.

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