By Max McCaird our financial correspondent

The recent edition of Wasting Time from Easterhoose has been praised by the cross party pressure group the Federation of Union Dividend Subscribers, which represents the interests of hard working Westminster expenses claimants.

The programme was lauded as an example of the unbiased BBC at its very best, and as a Westminster grouping representing all three of the major UK political parties, the MPs' report on the programme conclusively proves that Wasting Time is neutral according to the only opinion that counts.

Acting as a spokescloot for FUDS, Conservative MP Sebastian Patronising-Ffoulquer said:

"Saint David Dumblebum should be declared a deity right away. We thought it was terribly brave of the BBC and a bunch of highly paid Scotchlackeys to venture into 'daurkest Easterhoose' to tell the people who've got most to gain from independence why they're better off voting No to the uncertainties of separatism. Alex Salmond can't even say what library fines will be in 25 years time, and we're still waiting for clarification of an independent Scotland's policy on commemorative postage stamps.

"But if the Scotch vote the way they're told, then the pro-British campaign can tell them exactly what Scotlandshire will be like in the future. And this time we're not even lying. The anti-cleavage campaign can give a cast-iron guarantee to the good little people of Easterhouse that if they vote against ripping Scotlandshire from Westminster's generous teat then in 50 years time their plebby McGhetto will be just as famous for multiple social deprivation as it has been up to now.

"In fact it will be even more famous, because the oil will be running out, Westminster will have pissed all the proceeds up against a wall and we'll have abolished all your benefits. But your social betters will still be wealthy, so no need to worry about us. We'll probably be quite keen on getting rid of Scotlandshire by then - why rush things?"

He added:

"I'm a proud Scot BUT you've got to admit you're a bunch of whinging chippy bastards and we only put up with you for the money you bring in. Admittedly I was born in Berkshire - however my great-great-grandfather evicted over 3000 peasants from Easter Ross, which is Garlic for Easterhouse I understand - and the rental income from the deer estate pays for my son's education at Harrow.

I was brought up to believe our great shared British heritage still counts for something. In my case it counts for a few hundred thousand a year, diverted via a holding company in the Cayman Islands."

The BBC adopts very strict procedures to ensure that political debate programmes are perfectly balanced and politically unbiased. The audience is weighted according to UK opinion poll ratings, so the SNP get a generous 4% of bums on seats.

It's impossible to find the required number of Liberal Democrat voters, as Wullie Rennie doesn't have that many relatives, so these seats are filled up with people who've been in a coma or otherwise brain dead since before 2010. It was felt no one would notice the difference. Glasgow Labour councillors provide many of the recruits.

In the most recent edition of the programme, the ranting rupturist Nicola Sturgeon was balanced with the calm and reasonable doughty defenders of what makes Britain great, Mooth Curson and Ragrit Davidran. Presenting opposing torn faced cheeks of the same Westminster arse, you can't get a sheet of Andrex between them so they only count as one person.

There was no Liberal Democrat representative on the programme because it was Wullie Rennie's birthday and as a present he was allowed to sit in Danny Alexander's ministerial car on condition he didn't touch any knobs. Mr Alexander sat over an arm's length away as a precaution.

Guidelines also specify widening the panel to include representatives of broader public opinion such as respected and objective political commentator 'Baby' Oilin Cockring of the Daily Thatcherite. Mr Cockring is editor of the special pull-out "I hate Jowly Eck" pages, which are printed on blotting paper to absorb the drool.

The only people in Scotlandshire who buy it are the 15 elderly residents of the Morningside Nature Reserve for Endangered Conservatives, therefore Mr Cockring is politically neutral as no one without dementia pays him any attention.

And just to prove that Wasting Time is a national UK programme, there was also a random lefty person whose trade union is affiliated to the Labour party and whose knowledge of Scotlandshire politics is limited to what he's read in Severe Crapswill's articles in the Guardian.

The BBC had originally asked Labour supporting transvestite comedian Eddie Izzard to appear on the show because it's always good to get a bit of humour into these things - poor people are so depressing - and BBC executives understand the locals appreciate a bit of surrealist comic patter when they're stoned and gorging themselves on deep fried curly wurlies.

Unfortunately his agent replied that the Westminster parties were already represented by a pair of clowns in frocks, so they felt an appearance by Eddie would be overkill.

It was also reported that Mr Izzard's management were concerned that Eddie couldn't bring anything fresh to the panel as it already contained someone who challenges societal expectations of personal orientation and identity - Magrit Curran has been cross-dressing as a socialist for years. The fact Ms Curran still insists on getting into bed with the Daily Mail and refuses the operation to remove her Trident missile is entirely her own decision and we all must respect her lifestyle choices.

The BBC must also be mindful of the different traditions in this multicultural country. Ms Curran's frequent screeches, hoots and catcalls when a separatist was attempting to make a point must be encouraged as she used to be a Labour MSP, interrupting and jeering when other people are talking is a part of her cultural heritage.

Far from being biased against a topic which reasonable people know is merely a hobbyhorse of wannabe Pictish warriors with plaits in their oxter-hair, the report considers that host David Dumblubby was extremely generous in the airtime he condescended to spluttering Scotch splittists demanding to discuss parochial affairs.

When asked whether they agreed that Scotlandshire should become independent, one audience member was clearly heard to say "Aye" before Mr Dumblediddy quite rightly shut her up and made sure that the 15 representatives from Magrit Curran's Labour Constituency Party got their say while Ms Curran provided background screeches.

However Ian Davidson MP, chairquilted2ply of Westminster MPs' Additional Renumeration for Scotlandshire Expenses Subcommittee, felt that Mr Dumblebore should have used his magical powers and hexed Ms Sturgeon with a shut-it-or-get-a-doin spell.

Mr Davidson spelled oot:

"Thon Newsnat an that wee witch Isabel Fraser should take a lesson fae Professor Dumbledore. Whit dae ye mean, it wisnae him fae Harry Potter? You cawin me shtupit? Take thae wee roon glesses aff so A kin lamp ye wi ma Goblet of Fire-watter."

Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she's busy writing a speech on welfare benefits for George Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith.

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