By Caipoana Puddle, Our Rally Correspondent

So called “Independistas” in Catalanshire, Spain formed a human chain across the county from north to south on Wednesday as part of their attempted treasonable rebellion against their rightful masters in Madrid.

Blare McDougall from the anti-splittist campaign to avoid Scotlandshire splitting from the London Based And Eton Educated Ruling Class Who So Thoughtfully Care For And About Their Poor Indigent Sad Scotch Immediate Neighbours' Gasoline  (LBAEERCSTCFAATPISSING) remarked, “Pointless though the Catalonian demonstration was, Salmond’s splittists here would give any teeth they still have to be able to do the same.”

BBC Scotlandshire can exclusively reveal that a handful of splittists intend to wander up Calton Hill, Edinburgh on the 21st of this month, so that they can admire the views from the top.

MI5 confidently expect their agents to significantly outnumber the splittists. “There is actually so little support for splittism in Scotlandshire”, said a source at MI5 HQ in ‘Gregg’s Above The Bunker’ that our people are filling all the buses”. Any splittist who wants to go might have to make their own way to the High St for the start at 11 am.”

UK Home Secretary Theresa May said that she was relieved by the security reports that she had received, but was now concerned for the safety of the splittists. “I have consulted with my Spanish colleagues” she said”, “and it would seem wise to consider following their example.”In Valencia, the Guardia Civil, a paramilitary police force directly controlled by the Interior Ministry in Madrid, claimed that the event would create economic damage, and may provoke a "hostile attitude towards the demonstrators" which might "undermine the public order.

“If a solitary, 80 year old splittist can be the victim of an assault from a decent, ordinary member of the public on Edinburgh’s High Street, then imagine the mayhem that could be caused by 4 or 5 of them inflaming the righteous indignation of decent hard-working MSPs who happen to be kick boxers”, added May’s colleague Ruth Davidson.

Derelict leader of the Scottish Lib Dems, Wullie Rennie sneered, “If there was any support for splittism in Scotlandshire, they too would be able to form a human chain from north to south.”

A spokesnat for Nicola Sturgeon commented, “That would be a wee bit difficult in Scotland due to the Pentland Firth and the 50 miles of sea between Orkney and Shetland. Even Wullie can’t walk on water, though his speeches often lead to listeners involuntarily passing it.”

The Scotsman’s extensive coverage of the non-event can be seen below in our exclusive preview.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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